WHAT PEOPLE SEE IN YOU

I got a bunch of friends to do an exercise to write out the words that come to their mind when they think of me – words that best describe me. I was pleasantly surprised (and flattered for the most part) because their view was pretty consistent among a dozen of them, even though they were in my life during different periods. More importantly, inspite of the diversity in their ages, background, cultures and personalities which obviously also affect how they see me. Personally, I had gone through some interesting stages - starting with the nerdy, to antisocial, to party animal, to career-oriented and currently, creative and business-minded. And a lot more sober, might I add.

After I read all of their carefully chosen adjectives, it was my turn to write what I thought about myself. This exercise was not done for the purposes of stroking one’s ego, but to actually figure out how well I know myself in the context of how other people know me……Sometimes what you see in yourself is so skewed that it has nothing to do with reality.

Happy to say that most adjectives that my friends see in me are the same ones I see when I look at myself in the mirror. One point for self-awareness. Still have a long way to go to reach what I would call, “the state of Pooh”. Working on it, though.

Btw, Miki Miki my worst nightmare, did respond to the blog I posted. I didn’t even bother reading his two emails because his grammar gave me a headache. Have better things to worry about than someone who has absolutely no influence in my life and doesn’t contribute a cent to my living expenses. Hopefully, he will sign up for some writing classes. His grammar terrorized me; so much more than the content of his writing which was utterly negligible.

P.S. Am just using he to represent both genders since I don’t know that Miki Miki is indeed a man.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

DEAR MIKI MIKI (MY RESPONSE TO A READER'S EMAIL)

To my esteemed readers,

I just wanted to share with you an email I received in my private inbox and my corresponding response to that email from someone who could only identify themselves as Miki Miki of alccous@yahoo.com.

I guess it takes all sorts to fill up the planet.

PINAYSIDEUP

Dear Miki Miki of alccous@yahoo.com,

I am elated that I could evoke such passion and emotion in someone who doesn't even have the decency, the courage and the nerve to identify themselves. YOU ARE A REAL WINNER!

Thank you for the publicity that your email will get me and my blogsite. People actually pay for this kind of publicity.

Fortunately, I was born with supreme confidence. No one can take that away from me. Not even a tirade such as yours can put a damper on my charmed existence as a human being. Not one iota of my self-worth is determined by people such as yourself.....

PINAYSIDEUP

hey pinaysideup!

i heard about your blog and read some of it. I believe that your major problem boils down to only one thing. YOU ARE A MAJOR LOSER!

Regret may be a word that you try to delete from your own memory but believe me, you are majorly in denial... regret as much as you want.... you deserve it... you are a LOSER!

If you are a real damn winner, then you could have lived in both worlds and have the best of what these 2 cities can offer..... accept it... you didn't make it. YOU ARE A LOSER! YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT AND YOU NEVER WILL WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE YOU HAVE AND YOU ARE ARE ALREADY SO OLD! You are so damn insecure of yourself! If you made it, then you will be so confident of your past and present... but you never did that's why.

Sorry if I had to be very frank and honest about it but you are just so damn insecure about your past and present. You deserve to be miserable...... if you feel miserable of regretting what you did in the past, then don't make it an issue with other people..... some people are happy the way they are from the past till the present.... unfortunately, you never made it. Too bad.... tsk... tsk... tsk..... very bad.... tsk... tsk... tsk....

THE TIME WHEN you can accept yourself, what you did and feel confident of who you really are WILL NEVER HAPPEN ANYMORE. Don't pretend to be someone that you are not or someone that you wanted to be in the past and never made it...... sorry, a lot of people are called BUT only a few are chosen and we didn't see anything like you in that basket.

You deserve to be miserable and also the people you hang around with and people who "get you" you guys are ALL LOSERS.

Given a chance from the past or even in the future, you only make it once.... it's either you make it or you break it. GO TO HELL..... in any big city you go to.... and being a filipino.... we only say one thing..... "THEY COME AND THEY GO... BUT THE PILLARS OF FIRE, THEY STAY."


Your worst nightmare,

Miki

SURVIVOR MANILA

I am overcome by recurring nostalgia and a deep sentiment this week. My Brazilian girlfriend, Gisela, taught me a beautiful word in Portugese that captures that feeling – saudade.

Actually, it’s been a few weeks already since I started feeling this way. August 16, 2007 marks four years of being back in Manila after a 17-year absence. Very challenging first three years, I must say. But somehow, I survived it and learned a lot about myself. Still is challenging on some days……I wonder every now and again if I made the right decision to come home.

Feel quite blessed at the friends I have made in New York who I sorely miss. It’s hard to explain, they really made such a huge, huge impact in my life. Feel quite blessed that I have many opportunities to do such diverse things in Manila. Feel even more blessed at the small circle of people I have found here who I connect with so effortlessly. They simply “get me”.

We are all smarter in hindsight because we obviously already know the outcome of our actions. Imagine if there was no mystery about how our lives would unfold and we already knew everything? It would make for one really predictable and dull existence, wouldn’t it? We would know exactly what to do and what would happen as a result of what we have done, even beforehand. If it were a movie, it would be mildly entertaining at best.

Regret is a word I am trying to banish from my vocabulary. Life is an adventure which is full of surprises. Sometimes, it is also a misadventure but it is still full of surprises. We spend most of lives in the area of the “not knowing” so I have made a deal with myself to loosen the reins of control. In reality, I can’t really control everything. I can only make smart and sensible choices that hopefully, will get me to where I want to go. During this lifelong journey, I keep discovering new things about myself and learning better ways to be who I am.

From a page in my Daily Devotional Calendar in July this year:

“CONTENTMENT ISN’T GETTING WHAT WE WANT BUT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHAT WE HAVE.”

I am grateful, thankful and appreciative for the marvelous experiences – both good and bad – that have made my life as colorful, interesting and fun as it has been thus far. It has never been boring, that much I know.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t have my life any other way. To the universe that always looks after me, THANK YOU FROM SURVIVOR MANILA.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Tina Vitas
Makati City

MUSIC TO MY EARS, MAYBE EVEN YOURS

If I had to be born again, I would love to be blessed with a voice like Shirley Bassey’s no doubt (and maybe Gwen Stefani in this era, Gavin Rosdale included please).

Painfully aware that my talents lie elsewhere, I started taking formal voice lessons about a year ago at Selah Music Basement. Why, you ask? For fun, for self-expression and for a CD entitled “aDIVA on Board” that I want to record this year and launch by October 2008. Mind you, I didn’t give up my dayjob for this project of mine. I am bold but not delirious……

Two weekends ago, I recorded three songs with a 5-man band from the UST Conservatory of Music and my voice coach, Annabelle Montes. The venue was my friends’, Geri & Dan Gil, studio in Makati called Liquidpost. I was ably assisted by Sound Engineer Alan during the recording. I was quite impressed at the level of technology that is now used in the music industry. Wow!

First attempt at recording the songs took about 4 hours. I got the digitally remixed version this week and I have to admit, it was so-so. The end result was not as horrible as it could’ve been, but neither was it noteworthy enough to share with a larger audience. Unfortunately, I am my own worst critic.

I love writing. I love the interplay between words. I love the fluidity when one sentence rolls into another flawlessly and paragraphs layer one on top of each other.

What I find magical is when one can actually put music to accompany words and bring them to life with an emotion and resonance that mere text does not always have. Something in the marriage of music and lyrics captures a feeling like no other medium, in my mind, can. The song allows the listener to be privy to the depths and dimensions of the songwriter and performer’s inner worlds.

If you’re unlucky enough to be the recipient of a baby CD, bear with me. I am keeping my fingers crossed it will be music to your ears, just as it still was to mine.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WHAT IS MEANT TO BE…..

"Ang hindi ukol, hindi bubukol." If you’re a native Tagalog speaker, you might shudder at the graphic visual of the saying. It translates roughly to: “If it’s not meant for you, it ain’t going to happen.” But, fasten your seatbelts ladies and gentlemen, it translates literally and more colorfully to: “If it’s not meant for you, it ain’t going to bulge…..”

Boy, it is during these times that I am so grateful that my parents have a command of the Tagalog language and spoke to us at home only in Tagalog. Or else, the humor, the nuance and the not-so-subtlety of the language would be completely lost on me. And entirely lost in translation. Tagalog can be vulgar, harsh, crude, raw and unapologetic; but it is also very descriptive, humorous and sometimes, poetic.

Back to the topic, I was thinking about the role that fate/destiny plays in our lives on one hand, and our own personal choices, on the other hand. Being a control freak on occasion (or many depending on how long you’ve known me), it’s a subject which has fascinated me over the years. The subject further intrigued me when I had remembrances of things past come face to face with me recently. Can I really chart my own destiny and alter the game plan that I was born with?

I watch people who are so driven to achieve that they will pay any price to get to the goal. And more often than not, they do. Conversely, I’ve also seen people who are much more laid back in their approach to getting what they want. Some of them do get there anyway, without really trying too hard and without ruffling too many feathers enroute to the prize.

The more experiences I have collected, both good and bad, the more I believe that we are predestined towards certain things, people and events. At the same time, we also have the power to make choices which can inevitably lead us in another direction. A direction where we had no previous predisposition towards…..

I think that sometimes, in our desire to change what is destined for us, we end up in situations that do not work out in the long run. We end up back where we were supposed to be if we had just gone with the program, too many episodes ago. There is a divinely destined design, particular plan and meticulous map that has our name on it. We discover these as we go along the journey that is our lives.

I have a very natural inner compass nowadays - from a combination of my faith, my common sense, my database of experience, my intuition, my emotion and my belief in the limitless possibility of all things – that guides me in everything that I do. I have come to the realization that consistently making the right choices and doing what is right actually helps us get closer to what was to begin with, already set apart for us.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WAITING, WAITING, WAITING

The last few weeks have been laden with third world inefficiencies ranging from delays to being given incorrect/missing information by people supposedly in the know. As I approach my fourth year in Manila, it dawned on me that as impatient as I am today, I actually have become a little bit less impatient. For those who know me, that might be hard to believe. Here are a few anecdotes for your amusement.

My high school girlfriends and I had a short weekend reunion in Cebu from Friday night to Sunday night. We had picked that destination because we have a friend there who can make anyone laugh hysterically to the point of breathlessness and tummy aches. The added bonus to the “I will have you in stitches talent” of this friend is that he’s a GM of a luxury hotel. We decided to cash in on the perks of having a friend in high places. Room upgrades to a Junior Suite plus many others. Enough said.

On the way back to Manila, we got to the Cebu airport with plenty of time before departure. We were immediately told the plane would be delayed, period. An hour later, it was announced that planes were switched and the plane that we were going to use hadn’t left Manila. Some time later, after a second delay was announced, my very sweet world-class traveler girlfriend decided to investigate what the problem really was with the ticket counter. It turned out that the plane still hadn’t left the province of origin to go to Manila. From Manila, the plane would now have to fly to Cebu to unload its passengers and then pick us up. The ticket agent offered my friend a Jollibee Chickenjoy meal for the delay. This just further irritated my friend who wanted to get home, not be fed fried chicken, rice and gravy. Especially after we gorged on unforgettable, brown crispy-skinned, glistening with fat and filled with flavorful meat Cebu lechon Friday night, courtesy of GM.

My sweet girlfriend had every right to complain that the flight was delayed and that the airline didn’t know exactly what was going on. I, on the other hand, have just accepted that it’s one of those things that go with flying – delays. As long as the plane will get me to my destination safely together with my luggage, I will weather the delay without too much fuss. For crying out loud, we're in the Philippines. Whatever happened on time in this country anyway?

The Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo which I used to love – Seryna - a few weeks ago on a Saturday at lunchtime. Got there right around noon when the place was about a quarter full. Ordered a very simple appetizer (Japanese spring roll) and two entrees (a chirashi sushi and DIY raw steak to be cooked on a stone). Half an hour later, no food. I follow up with the waitress. She tells me the kitchen is just overwhelmed with a barrage of orders but the food will come soon. Fifteen minutes after when I’m already turning into a ravenous monster, I follow up again with the same waitress and she tells me the same thing. Kitchen is really busy. Another fifteen minutes after that (which is already an hour since we ordered), I stand up and speak directly to the Manager. From that time, it took another fifteen minutes to get our order, the appetizer and two entrees together. I relay this story to a friend of mine who dines there frequently and he claims that the restaurant serves Japanese people first regardless of when they arrive. I share this story with my lunchdate that Saturday and he confirms that we were the only Filipinos in the restaurant that day, save for another 2 people.

I am writing this establishment, which is Japanese-owned, a separate letter regarding the “discrimination” in my own country where I am a first-class, tax-paying and law-abiding citizen. Even as a foreigner in the States for 17 years, I did not once experience discrimination of any sort. I don't think I can tolerate this in the country of my birth, in a Japanese-owned restaurant.....

Last week, I was in the process of redeeming an investment from an insurance/financial institution. Since I had lost the policy, I had to show up personally at the office with a notarized affidavit and 2 forms of ID to pick up my check. I had the whole morning planned out after I picked up the check. I got there and the tune had changed yet again. I could not pick up the check that morning the way it was confirmed to me by my sales agent and her assistant because it would take at least a few hours to process the check.

Nobody seems to know the real story in this country yet people will gladly tell you what’s going on even if it’s inaccurate. And does anyone care that this misinformation messed up your day? That’s your problem, not theirs.

I went to check out a space in Makati. The person who was supposed to show it to me was not around but the guard had the key. He radioed upstairs and was told someone would come down right away to show the space. Fifteen minutes later, that someone was still nowhere in sight. I kept telling the guard that I was in a rush and if he was authorized to show the space, he should just go ahead and show it to me himself. I was waiting together with another woman who was also in a hurry. The guard still insisted that someone was coming down shortly and that I should wait. I had another appointment so I left abruptly. They just lost my potential business. And they probably don’t care that they did.

Time is a precious commodity. Out of respect for people, I don’t make them wait for me unless I have told them I am going to be late. I do not appreciate being made to wait unnecessarily either.

Having regaled you with all those shallow stories, I know that patience is a virtue that very few people have. As much as I am impatient by nature, I have come to terms with the fact that much of life is about waiting. I have to learn to wait with more grace and more coolness because it makes my existence a lot more enjoyable.

In my heart of hearts, I do believe that some things are worth waiting for……Not a Japanese lunch, though. Next time, if my food doesn’t arrive in a timely fashion and my blood sugar has already dropped to a point beyond bearable, I will walk out. That’s why fast-food places were invented.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

MY FRIEND JANA

Yes, I know I sound like an 8-year old with that kind of title. I like to talk about my friends, especially people who inspire me.

It’s somewhat funny how I already met Jana in high school, maybe even as early as grade school, but we’ve never come anywhere close to being friends. We had a girlfriend in common back then. I would run into Jana frequently in this friend's house.

Fast forward many years later and we meet up again. She is married to her high school sweetheart and has 4 children. I am a returning balikbayan with a New York attitude in Manila (which some would consider a major drawback). And I have a recurring dilemma since I can't find too many people I can relate to on the level I’ve been used to in New York where people like me are called candid, confident and determined. In Manila, I’m classified as rude, stubborn and arrogant. I can't find people who “get me”.

I end up with a lot of expat friends who unfortunately for me, are transients. Aside from expats, I also started developing an affinity for Americans living in Manila who were recent college graduates. The whole American thing just clicked. I was at home with them and they seemed to be at home with me. Something in me thoroughly relished in the role of taking care of foreigners.

Jana started doing gigs with a band at a local bar/restaurant near my house. It became for a while, a watering hole for me and my friends. Right around this time, I was taking formal voice lessons for fun and to develop another part of my brain. Maybe just to humor me because I’m so “ganado” and “filled with emotion” onstage, she called me to sing during open mic jam sessions. My singing back then and my choice of songs would’ve made anyone run for Prozac and Zoloft. At least, I’ve learned to pick more up-tempo songs and to be less dramatic which is not easy for someone who’s a natural in the drama department.

Anyway, this bar is where our friendship started. People come into your life during a particular season. And I bet you anything the timing isn’t an accident. I now know that the people who come into my life have a reason, a purpose and something of value to share with me. And I would like to think, vice versa.

I remember living on my own for 17 years in the United States. During this time, friends, by default, took on the role of my family. They supported me, encouraged me, helped me, sponsored me, tolerated me, accepted me and laughed & cried with me sometimes. On the rare moments that I would behave with a selfishness above and beyond what they could handle, the same friends told me off and put me in my place. I respect and love them for that…..

To the friends who have managed to survive me and to the many friends in the future, Jana included, who will survive me – thank you. My bark is much worse than my bite once you get down to it.

I had a Lebanese-Texan colleague tell me fairly early on in our acquaintance that she was on to my schtick. I said to her: “What schtick?” She said that I deliberately put on a tough exterior to immediately weed out people who didn’t have the gumption to get past that display. That underneath, once you’ve taken the time to dig deeper into the private persona, I’m actually a softie. That might have something to do with her nickname for me which is Twinkie.

Inspite of that comment (insert big smiley here), I remained dear friends with her. She “got me” even before she knew me. How could I not keep her?

Tina Vitas
Makati City