One of my greatest fears coming back home from New York in 2003 was the oft- repeated greeting in Manila to a single girl in her late twenties and thirties of: “Are you married yet?” (Answer: No). Next question, “Why not? Your standards must be too high.”
This is a nightmare that replayed in my head before heading back home at age 34, single, never been married and no boyfriend in sight. How to stay polite when bombarded by this question of why your marital status is S as opposed to an M. A very private matter, like how much you weigh. This reminds me of another favorite greeting in Manila that goes: “Hi, you’ve gained weight.” Or “Hi, you’ve lost weight.” We will leave that discussion for another article.
There used to be a time when getting married and having children was one of the requirements and rites of passage into adult life. People very readily settled down and lived happily ever after. So we thought……
Life seemed much simpler back then. A woman’s role was limited to managing the household, taking care of her husband and raising her children. This dynamic worked until the era came when two incomes were necessary to support a family, bringing women into the workforce. The once dependent wives now had their own disposable incomes. Women all of a sudden had freedom, independence and choices.
I turned 38 in October last year and something funny is happening in my brain. Marriage, which I have romanticized since I was a young girl, has lost its “necessity for a fulfilling and complete life” appeal. It now only has “it’s entirely my call when I meet the right guy” appeal. Nowadays, being married has become a luxury. You don’t need it to survive but you may still want it, at a price that may have already grown too steep for some.
Maybe it’s because I see how many people among my peers are already separated with children. Maybe it’s because I see that a lot of marriages, especially the ones that couples got into for all the wrong reasons, are not the happy and fun partnerships they ought to be. Maybe because I see that being married to the wrong person is a fate much worse then waking up and eating breakfast by yourself.
It has become more difficult for people to make the decision to settle down nowadays. The longer you are single, the more ensconced you are in your own lifestyle. Have a confession to make. I've worked so hard to reach a happy single equilibrium that I now sort of, in a weird and ridiculous kind of way, dread the day when a man will come along from the heavens and tilt the balance and contentment I struggled to create. I will only accept a co-pilot if I get an overwhelming and comforting feeling that my prospective partner will be worth giving up my hard-earned singleness for…..We must agree at the minimum of where we are going and what route we are taking. A 38-year old woman by force of habit has become protective of her closet space and her personal space, in general. And you can’t blame her for that.
Let me go back to the original idea of not settling for less than who you think is the best partner for you. Maybe I have become too rigid, too picky and too narrow-minded in my wiser and baggage-filled years to allow me to take the plunge into that pool of marital bliss. But upon further introspection, I am comfortable with the notion that I haven’t become impossible to please. I have just come to know, accept and appreciate myself more. I am much clearer about what kind of person I want to share my life with and what I am/am not willing to compromise in this partnership that I hope will last into my golden years.
I have dated enough to have a good idea of what’s out there, but I haven't found someone who I felt was worth staying around for. And in marriage, one has to be black or white in picking. It's not fine china we’re choosing here folks, it's a lifetime partner. Unlike major department stores, there is no such thing as an even exchange. The refunds will cost you!
I only have one life and thus far, husband and kiddies notwithstanding, it’s been pretty damn good. I do have high standards. But I have high standards for everything in my life, with marriage just being one of them.
For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say, I am single and I am fine with it.
Tina Vitas
Makati City
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT FILIPINOS
I have a penchant for finding what it is that I feel needs to be improved in the methods and ways of the Filipino. I wanted to sit down for a change, to write about what I love about Filipinos and what makes me proud to be Filipino. The countdown of my top ten begins…..
1. I love that Filipinos take pride in the way they look and the way they dress. They also pay special attention to their personal hygiene regardless of what line of work they do, whether blue collar or white collar. Not to be petty but try taking the subway in other countries in the summer and you will appreciate this Filipino trait. Believe me.
2. I love the Filipino sense of politeness and gentleness in their manner of speaking. Spent some time in the very efficient and first-world city of Hong Kong this year. I love Hong Kong because it reminds me of where my heart will always be - New York - though it's New York in an Asian setting. After several trips to Hong Kong, I came to this realization that Filipinos’ docile nature can have its advantages in the right context.
3. I love the Filipinos’ natural ability to share and innate desire to give gifts big, small and cash-denominated at times. (I only wish they would have that same “sharing mindset” when it comes to driving. Traffic would be much less aggravating for drivers if such were the case.) In the realm of sharing, Filipinos also want to be part of a social group for many of their activities, starting with their families and relatives.
4. I love Filipinos’ creativity, resourcefulness and entrepreneurial spirit. They manage to craft and sell anything and everything on the streets, in sari-sari stores, in sidewalk kiosks, in department stores, in flea markets and in boutiques. I love it that they sell to each other in schools and the workplace, some even with payment installment plans. Again, the predominant product that is sold is not surprisingly, food!
5. I love the Filipino eagerness to help people in need and to show caring and concern to others, even people whom they don’t know too well. My brother’s friend, and my brother on a separate occasion, stood in line with me for several hours at the LTO to get my license. Granted they don’t have traditional office jobs, it was still an inconvenience for them to do that with me.
6. I love the fact that in a predominantly “machista” Filipino culture, there is pay equality among genders. And ample opportunities for women to rise to executive and managerial positions without too much discrimination based on their sex. The number of successful females in the corporate and business world in this country is one of the highest in Asia.
7. I love the Filipino warmth to foreigners, their welcoming and accommodating nature and ability to understand English. Have been to Bangkok a few times, which is another city I love, and I always come back thankful that our country still speaks, reads and writes in English. Try explaining to a saleswoman in Bangkok what size and color of clothing you need and it may take more than a few minutes, coupled with a lot of frustration on your part.
8. I love the Filipino man’s “gentlemanly and gallant” qualities that have not been eroded by modern life and the independence of women. They will still open doors for you, help you out of the car and pick you up from your house. I love the Filipina’s “femininity and softness” on the exterior, but don’t be fooled because that is coupled with a strong interior. They may be already helping with the finances but they still take care of their men at home. Proof that one can serve without necessarily being servile.
9. I love that Filipinos have such an exuberantly happy and positive outlook, have such hearty humor and have vibrant spirits whatever their circumstances in life may be at any time. This love for life also seems to have translated itself somehow into a love for singing. We must be the world’s most karaoke-addicted people. We don’t even need alcohol to give us courage to start singing in the early mornings. We are shameless when it comes to karaoke.
10. Partially because eating gives me such great joy (and it is only sheer vanity that keeps me from being a complete, all-out glutton), I love the Filipinos’ appetite for food, frequency of eating, throwing fiestas with incredible amounts of food and having numerous celebrations with an overflow of food. There is always a variety of food and a lot of it wherever you go in this country, from the bustling metropolis to the far rural corners.
Tina Vitas
Makati City
1. I love that Filipinos take pride in the way they look and the way they dress. They also pay special attention to their personal hygiene regardless of what line of work they do, whether blue collar or white collar. Not to be petty but try taking the subway in other countries in the summer and you will appreciate this Filipino trait. Believe me.
2. I love the Filipino sense of politeness and gentleness in their manner of speaking. Spent some time in the very efficient and first-world city of Hong Kong this year. I love Hong Kong because it reminds me of where my heart will always be - New York - though it's New York in an Asian setting. After several trips to Hong Kong, I came to this realization that Filipinos’ docile nature can have its advantages in the right context.
3. I love the Filipinos’ natural ability to share and innate desire to give gifts big, small and cash-denominated at times. (I only wish they would have that same “sharing mindset” when it comes to driving. Traffic would be much less aggravating for drivers if such were the case.) In the realm of sharing, Filipinos also want to be part of a social group for many of their activities, starting with their families and relatives.
4. I love Filipinos’ creativity, resourcefulness and entrepreneurial spirit. They manage to craft and sell anything and everything on the streets, in sari-sari stores, in sidewalk kiosks, in department stores, in flea markets and in boutiques. I love it that they sell to each other in schools and the workplace, some even with payment installment plans. Again, the predominant product that is sold is not surprisingly, food!
5. I love the Filipino eagerness to help people in need and to show caring and concern to others, even people whom they don’t know too well. My brother’s friend, and my brother on a separate occasion, stood in line with me for several hours at the LTO to get my license. Granted they don’t have traditional office jobs, it was still an inconvenience for them to do that with me.
6. I love the fact that in a predominantly “machista” Filipino culture, there is pay equality among genders. And ample opportunities for women to rise to executive and managerial positions without too much discrimination based on their sex. The number of successful females in the corporate and business world in this country is one of the highest in Asia.
7. I love the Filipino warmth to foreigners, their welcoming and accommodating nature and ability to understand English. Have been to Bangkok a few times, which is another city I love, and I always come back thankful that our country still speaks, reads and writes in English. Try explaining to a saleswoman in Bangkok what size and color of clothing you need and it may take more than a few minutes, coupled with a lot of frustration on your part.
8. I love the Filipino man’s “gentlemanly and gallant” qualities that have not been eroded by modern life and the independence of women. They will still open doors for you, help you out of the car and pick you up from your house. I love the Filipina’s “femininity and softness” on the exterior, but don’t be fooled because that is coupled with a strong interior. They may be already helping with the finances but they still take care of their men at home. Proof that one can serve without necessarily being servile.
9. I love that Filipinos have such an exuberantly happy and positive outlook, have such hearty humor and have vibrant spirits whatever their circumstances in life may be at any time. This love for life also seems to have translated itself somehow into a love for singing. We must be the world’s most karaoke-addicted people. We don’t even need alcohol to give us courage to start singing in the early mornings. We are shameless when it comes to karaoke.
10. Partially because eating gives me such great joy (and it is only sheer vanity that keeps me from being a complete, all-out glutton), I love the Filipinos’ appetite for food, frequency of eating, throwing fiestas with incredible amounts of food and having numerous celebrations with an overflow of food. There is always a variety of food and a lot of it wherever you go in this country, from the bustling metropolis to the far rural corners.
Tina Vitas
Makati City
Sunday, April 1, 2007
THE COST OF EXPORTING FILIPINOS
The ever growing number of OFW’s contribution to the Philippine economy astounds me. Not the sheer size of the figure and the surrounding hoopla about it but the social cost to Filipino society that everyone seems to have conveniently overlooked. Nobody ever talks about the social costs. We are all blinded by the money that the export of Filipino labor brings back to us.
Is exporting Filipinos abroad really a viable and sensible long-term solution to the problem we face at home which is - WE ARE UNABLE TO CREATE ENOUGH JOBS FOR OUR PEOPLE. A PEOPLE WHO ARE GROWING AT AN ALARMINGLY FASTER RATE THAN WE CAN SUPPLY RESOURCES TO THEM.
Bear with me for a moment and think hard about this. For every Filipino and Filipina, who is married with a family, we ship abroad in exchange for their precious foreign currency, there is a family left behind in the Philippines. A family that is without a father, without a mother (possibly without both father and mother), without a husband, without a wife. Children left behind with now more cash than they need but relegated to secondary caretakers. Even if it were the grandparents or aunts and uncles who raised these children, do you really think that they are better off with a more lavish life but growing up without their parents?
Spouses left behind by themselves who now have the solo burden of raising their children. Is this really a good formula for inspiring fidelity in a marriage, a union one commits to because of togetherness and partnership?
I am not a parent yet but I can tell you one thing from my own experience being a child - children need role models in their parents. I have changed dramatically in certain respects having lived abroad from ages 17-34, but the core of me has stayed the same. Many many thanks to both my parents’ hard work, time and dedication to raising me full-time and hands-on.
People always think that they are automatically better off when they have more money. Truth of the matter is, you are in some ways because you can buy more things, more vacations, more luxuries and more comforts. In other ways, the cause of happiness in life has no relation whatsoever to money. Studies across cultures and ages have shown that the main drivers of happiness are personal/professional fulfillment, spiritual well being, good relationships and feeling of belonging & contributing to a community.
If this were not the case, you would find a direct correlation between how much money people have and how happy they are. If you’ve been around insanely wealthy people (like I have because I worked in private banking in the U.S.), you would know that the correlation might even go in the opposite direction. More money, more complications in life and therefore, more misery. What a paradox!
At my age of 38, I have come to the conclusion that money can indeed buy you out of many unhappy situations because it gives you freedom. The unfortunate thing is it cannot buy you happiness. For this reason, it makes me terribly sad that we are celebrating the fragmentation of Filipino families and Filipino society in exchange for money.
In the future, I think we may look back and say it wasn't really worth it......We should start asking the important questions now as to what kind of generation of children we are raising – children whose parents are “out of reach” because they have been exported.
Tina Vitas
Makati City
Is exporting Filipinos abroad really a viable and sensible long-term solution to the problem we face at home which is - WE ARE UNABLE TO CREATE ENOUGH JOBS FOR OUR PEOPLE. A PEOPLE WHO ARE GROWING AT AN ALARMINGLY FASTER RATE THAN WE CAN SUPPLY RESOURCES TO THEM.
Bear with me for a moment and think hard about this. For every Filipino and Filipina, who is married with a family, we ship abroad in exchange for their precious foreign currency, there is a family left behind in the Philippines. A family that is without a father, without a mother (possibly without both father and mother), without a husband, without a wife. Children left behind with now more cash than they need but relegated to secondary caretakers. Even if it were the grandparents or aunts and uncles who raised these children, do you really think that they are better off with a more lavish life but growing up without their parents?
Spouses left behind by themselves who now have the solo burden of raising their children. Is this really a good formula for inspiring fidelity in a marriage, a union one commits to because of togetherness and partnership?
I am not a parent yet but I can tell you one thing from my own experience being a child - children need role models in their parents. I have changed dramatically in certain respects having lived abroad from ages 17-34, but the core of me has stayed the same. Many many thanks to both my parents’ hard work, time and dedication to raising me full-time and hands-on.
People always think that they are automatically better off when they have more money. Truth of the matter is, you are in some ways because you can buy more things, more vacations, more luxuries and more comforts. In other ways, the cause of happiness in life has no relation whatsoever to money. Studies across cultures and ages have shown that the main drivers of happiness are personal/professional fulfillment, spiritual well being, good relationships and feeling of belonging & contributing to a community.
If this were not the case, you would find a direct correlation between how much money people have and how happy they are. If you’ve been around insanely wealthy people (like I have because I worked in private banking in the U.S.), you would know that the correlation might even go in the opposite direction. More money, more complications in life and therefore, more misery. What a paradox!
At my age of 38, I have come to the conclusion that money can indeed buy you out of many unhappy situations because it gives you freedom. The unfortunate thing is it cannot buy you happiness. For this reason, it makes me terribly sad that we are celebrating the fragmentation of Filipino families and Filipino society in exchange for money.
In the future, I think we may look back and say it wasn't really worth it......We should start asking the important questions now as to what kind of generation of children we are raising – children whose parents are “out of reach” because they have been exported.
Tina Vitas
Makati City
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