WHAT PEOPLE SEE IN YOU

I got a bunch of friends to do an exercise to write out the words that come to their mind when they think of me – words that best describe me. I was pleasantly surprised (and flattered for the most part) because their view was pretty consistent among a dozen of them, even though they were in my life during different periods. More importantly, inspite of the diversity in their ages, background, cultures and personalities which obviously also affect how they see me. Personally, I had gone through some interesting stages - starting with the nerdy, to antisocial, to party animal, to career-oriented and currently, creative and business-minded. And a lot more sober, might I add.

After I read all of their carefully chosen adjectives, it was my turn to write what I thought about myself. This exercise was not done for the purposes of stroking one’s ego, but to actually figure out how well I know myself in the context of how other people know me……Sometimes what you see in yourself is so skewed that it has nothing to do with reality.

Happy to say that most adjectives that my friends see in me are the same ones I see when I look at myself in the mirror. One point for self-awareness. Still have a long way to go to reach what I would call, “the state of Pooh”. Working on it, though.

Btw, Miki Miki my worst nightmare, did respond to the blog I posted. I didn’t even bother reading his two emails because his grammar gave me a headache. Have better things to worry about than someone who has absolutely no influence in my life and doesn’t contribute a cent to my living expenses. Hopefully, he will sign up for some writing classes. His grammar terrorized me; so much more than the content of his writing which was utterly negligible.

P.S. Am just using he to represent both genders since I don’t know that Miki Miki is indeed a man.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

DEAR MIKI MIKI (MY RESPONSE TO A READER'S EMAIL)

To my esteemed readers,

I just wanted to share with you an email I received in my private inbox and my corresponding response to that email from someone who could only identify themselves as Miki Miki of alccous@yahoo.com.

I guess it takes all sorts to fill up the planet.

PINAYSIDEUP

Dear Miki Miki of alccous@yahoo.com,

I am elated that I could evoke such passion and emotion in someone who doesn't even have the decency, the courage and the nerve to identify themselves. YOU ARE A REAL WINNER!

Thank you for the publicity that your email will get me and my blogsite. People actually pay for this kind of publicity.

Fortunately, I was born with supreme confidence. No one can take that away from me. Not even a tirade such as yours can put a damper on my charmed existence as a human being. Not one iota of my self-worth is determined by people such as yourself.....

PINAYSIDEUP

hey pinaysideup!

i heard about your blog and read some of it. I believe that your major problem boils down to only one thing. YOU ARE A MAJOR LOSER!

Regret may be a word that you try to delete from your own memory but believe me, you are majorly in denial... regret as much as you want.... you deserve it... you are a LOSER!

If you are a real damn winner, then you could have lived in both worlds and have the best of what these 2 cities can offer..... accept it... you didn't make it. YOU ARE A LOSER! YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT AND YOU NEVER WILL WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE YOU HAVE AND YOU ARE ARE ALREADY SO OLD! You are so damn insecure of yourself! If you made it, then you will be so confident of your past and present... but you never did that's why.

Sorry if I had to be very frank and honest about it but you are just so damn insecure about your past and present. You deserve to be miserable...... if you feel miserable of regretting what you did in the past, then don't make it an issue with other people..... some people are happy the way they are from the past till the present.... unfortunately, you never made it. Too bad.... tsk... tsk... tsk..... very bad.... tsk... tsk... tsk....

THE TIME WHEN you can accept yourself, what you did and feel confident of who you really are WILL NEVER HAPPEN ANYMORE. Don't pretend to be someone that you are not or someone that you wanted to be in the past and never made it...... sorry, a lot of people are called BUT only a few are chosen and we didn't see anything like you in that basket.

You deserve to be miserable and also the people you hang around with and people who "get you" you guys are ALL LOSERS.

Given a chance from the past or even in the future, you only make it once.... it's either you make it or you break it. GO TO HELL..... in any big city you go to.... and being a filipino.... we only say one thing..... "THEY COME AND THEY GO... BUT THE PILLARS OF FIRE, THEY STAY."


Your worst nightmare,

Miki

SURVIVOR MANILA

I am overcome by recurring nostalgia and a deep sentiment this week. My Brazilian girlfriend, Gisela, taught me a beautiful word in Portugese that captures that feeling – saudade.

Actually, it’s been a few weeks already since I started feeling this way. August 16, 2007 marks four years of being back in Manila after a 17-year absence. Very challenging first three years, I must say. But somehow, I survived it and learned a lot about myself. Still is challenging on some days……I wonder every now and again if I made the right decision to come home.

Feel quite blessed at the friends I have made in New York who I sorely miss. It’s hard to explain, they really made such a huge, huge impact in my life. Feel quite blessed that I have many opportunities to do such diverse things in Manila. Feel even more blessed at the small circle of people I have found here who I connect with so effortlessly. They simply “get me”.

We are all smarter in hindsight because we obviously already know the outcome of our actions. Imagine if there was no mystery about how our lives would unfold and we already knew everything? It would make for one really predictable and dull existence, wouldn’t it? We would know exactly what to do and what would happen as a result of what we have done, even beforehand. If it were a movie, it would be mildly entertaining at best.

Regret is a word I am trying to banish from my vocabulary. Life is an adventure which is full of surprises. Sometimes, it is also a misadventure but it is still full of surprises. We spend most of lives in the area of the “not knowing” so I have made a deal with myself to loosen the reins of control. In reality, I can’t really control everything. I can only make smart and sensible choices that hopefully, will get me to where I want to go. During this lifelong journey, I keep discovering new things about myself and learning better ways to be who I am.

From a page in my Daily Devotional Calendar in July this year:

“CONTENTMENT ISN’T GETTING WHAT WE WANT BUT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHAT WE HAVE.”

I am grateful, thankful and appreciative for the marvelous experiences – both good and bad – that have made my life as colorful, interesting and fun as it has been thus far. It has never been boring, that much I know.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t have my life any other way. To the universe that always looks after me, THANK YOU FROM SURVIVOR MANILA.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Tina Vitas
Makati City

MUSIC TO MY EARS, MAYBE EVEN YOURS

If I had to be born again, I would love to be blessed with a voice like Shirley Bassey’s no doubt (and maybe Gwen Stefani in this era, Gavin Rosdale included please).

Painfully aware that my talents lie elsewhere, I started taking formal voice lessons about a year ago at Selah Music Basement. Why, you ask? For fun, for self-expression and for a CD entitled “aDIVA on Board” that I want to record this year and launch by October 2008. Mind you, I didn’t give up my dayjob for this project of mine. I am bold but not delirious……

Two weekends ago, I recorded three songs with a 5-man band from the UST Conservatory of Music and my voice coach, Annabelle Montes. The venue was my friends’, Geri & Dan Gil, studio in Makati called Liquidpost. I was ably assisted by Sound Engineer Alan during the recording. I was quite impressed at the level of technology that is now used in the music industry. Wow!

First attempt at recording the songs took about 4 hours. I got the digitally remixed version this week and I have to admit, it was so-so. The end result was not as horrible as it could’ve been, but neither was it noteworthy enough to share with a larger audience. Unfortunately, I am my own worst critic.

I love writing. I love the interplay between words. I love the fluidity when one sentence rolls into another flawlessly and paragraphs layer one on top of each other.

What I find magical is when one can actually put music to accompany words and bring them to life with an emotion and resonance that mere text does not always have. Something in the marriage of music and lyrics captures a feeling like no other medium, in my mind, can. The song allows the listener to be privy to the depths and dimensions of the songwriter and performer’s inner worlds.

If you’re unlucky enough to be the recipient of a baby CD, bear with me. I am keeping my fingers crossed it will be music to your ears, just as it still was to mine.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WHAT IS MEANT TO BE…..

"Ang hindi ukol, hindi bubukol." If you’re a native Tagalog speaker, you might shudder at the graphic visual of the saying. It translates roughly to: “If it’s not meant for you, it ain’t going to happen.” But, fasten your seatbelts ladies and gentlemen, it translates literally and more colorfully to: “If it’s not meant for you, it ain’t going to bulge…..”

Boy, it is during these times that I am so grateful that my parents have a command of the Tagalog language and spoke to us at home only in Tagalog. Or else, the humor, the nuance and the not-so-subtlety of the language would be completely lost on me. And entirely lost in translation. Tagalog can be vulgar, harsh, crude, raw and unapologetic; but it is also very descriptive, humorous and sometimes, poetic.

Back to the topic, I was thinking about the role that fate/destiny plays in our lives on one hand, and our own personal choices, on the other hand. Being a control freak on occasion (or many depending on how long you’ve known me), it’s a subject which has fascinated me over the years. The subject further intrigued me when I had remembrances of things past come face to face with me recently. Can I really chart my own destiny and alter the game plan that I was born with?

I watch people who are so driven to achieve that they will pay any price to get to the goal. And more often than not, they do. Conversely, I’ve also seen people who are much more laid back in their approach to getting what they want. Some of them do get there anyway, without really trying too hard and without ruffling too many feathers enroute to the prize.

The more experiences I have collected, both good and bad, the more I believe that we are predestined towards certain things, people and events. At the same time, we also have the power to make choices which can inevitably lead us in another direction. A direction where we had no previous predisposition towards…..

I think that sometimes, in our desire to change what is destined for us, we end up in situations that do not work out in the long run. We end up back where we were supposed to be if we had just gone with the program, too many episodes ago. There is a divinely destined design, particular plan and meticulous map that has our name on it. We discover these as we go along the journey that is our lives.

I have a very natural inner compass nowadays - from a combination of my faith, my common sense, my database of experience, my intuition, my emotion and my belief in the limitless possibility of all things – that guides me in everything that I do. I have come to the realization that consistently making the right choices and doing what is right actually helps us get closer to what was to begin with, already set apart for us.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WAITING, WAITING, WAITING

The last few weeks have been laden with third world inefficiencies ranging from delays to being given incorrect/missing information by people supposedly in the know. As I approach my fourth year in Manila, it dawned on me that as impatient as I am today, I actually have become a little bit less impatient. For those who know me, that might be hard to believe. Here are a few anecdotes for your amusement.

My high school girlfriends and I had a short weekend reunion in Cebu from Friday night to Sunday night. We had picked that destination because we have a friend there who can make anyone laugh hysterically to the point of breathlessness and tummy aches. The added bonus to the “I will have you in stitches talent” of this friend is that he’s a GM of a luxury hotel. We decided to cash in on the perks of having a friend in high places. Room upgrades to a Junior Suite plus many others. Enough said.

On the way back to Manila, we got to the Cebu airport with plenty of time before departure. We were immediately told the plane would be delayed, period. An hour later, it was announced that planes were switched and the plane that we were going to use hadn’t left Manila. Some time later, after a second delay was announced, my very sweet world-class traveler girlfriend decided to investigate what the problem really was with the ticket counter. It turned out that the plane still hadn’t left the province of origin to go to Manila. From Manila, the plane would now have to fly to Cebu to unload its passengers and then pick us up. The ticket agent offered my friend a Jollibee Chickenjoy meal for the delay. This just further irritated my friend who wanted to get home, not be fed fried chicken, rice and gravy. Especially after we gorged on unforgettable, brown crispy-skinned, glistening with fat and filled with flavorful meat Cebu lechon Friday night, courtesy of GM.

My sweet girlfriend had every right to complain that the flight was delayed and that the airline didn’t know exactly what was going on. I, on the other hand, have just accepted that it’s one of those things that go with flying – delays. As long as the plane will get me to my destination safely together with my luggage, I will weather the delay without too much fuss. For crying out loud, we're in the Philippines. Whatever happened on time in this country anyway?

The Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo which I used to love – Seryna - a few weeks ago on a Saturday at lunchtime. Got there right around noon when the place was about a quarter full. Ordered a very simple appetizer (Japanese spring roll) and two entrees (a chirashi sushi and DIY raw steak to be cooked on a stone). Half an hour later, no food. I follow up with the waitress. She tells me the kitchen is just overwhelmed with a barrage of orders but the food will come soon. Fifteen minutes after when I’m already turning into a ravenous monster, I follow up again with the same waitress and she tells me the same thing. Kitchen is really busy. Another fifteen minutes after that (which is already an hour since we ordered), I stand up and speak directly to the Manager. From that time, it took another fifteen minutes to get our order, the appetizer and two entrees together. I relay this story to a friend of mine who dines there frequently and he claims that the restaurant serves Japanese people first regardless of when they arrive. I share this story with my lunchdate that Saturday and he confirms that we were the only Filipinos in the restaurant that day, save for another 2 people.

I am writing this establishment, which is Japanese-owned, a separate letter regarding the “discrimination” in my own country where I am a first-class, tax-paying and law-abiding citizen. Even as a foreigner in the States for 17 years, I did not once experience discrimination of any sort. I don't think I can tolerate this in the country of my birth, in a Japanese-owned restaurant.....

Last week, I was in the process of redeeming an investment from an insurance/financial institution. Since I had lost the policy, I had to show up personally at the office with a notarized affidavit and 2 forms of ID to pick up my check. I had the whole morning planned out after I picked up the check. I got there and the tune had changed yet again. I could not pick up the check that morning the way it was confirmed to me by my sales agent and her assistant because it would take at least a few hours to process the check.

Nobody seems to know the real story in this country yet people will gladly tell you what’s going on even if it’s inaccurate. And does anyone care that this misinformation messed up your day? That’s your problem, not theirs.

I went to check out a space in Makati. The person who was supposed to show it to me was not around but the guard had the key. He radioed upstairs and was told someone would come down right away to show the space. Fifteen minutes later, that someone was still nowhere in sight. I kept telling the guard that I was in a rush and if he was authorized to show the space, he should just go ahead and show it to me himself. I was waiting together with another woman who was also in a hurry. The guard still insisted that someone was coming down shortly and that I should wait. I had another appointment so I left abruptly. They just lost my potential business. And they probably don’t care that they did.

Time is a precious commodity. Out of respect for people, I don’t make them wait for me unless I have told them I am going to be late. I do not appreciate being made to wait unnecessarily either.

Having regaled you with all those shallow stories, I know that patience is a virtue that very few people have. As much as I am impatient by nature, I have come to terms with the fact that much of life is about waiting. I have to learn to wait with more grace and more coolness because it makes my existence a lot more enjoyable.

In my heart of hearts, I do believe that some things are worth waiting for……Not a Japanese lunch, though. Next time, if my food doesn’t arrive in a timely fashion and my blood sugar has already dropped to a point beyond bearable, I will walk out. That’s why fast-food places were invented.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

MY FRIEND JANA

Yes, I know I sound like an 8-year old with that kind of title. I like to talk about my friends, especially people who inspire me.

It’s somewhat funny how I already met Jana in high school, maybe even as early as grade school, but we’ve never come anywhere close to being friends. We had a girlfriend in common back then. I would run into Jana frequently in this friend's house.

Fast forward many years later and we meet up again. She is married to her high school sweetheart and has 4 children. I am a returning balikbayan with a New York attitude in Manila (which some would consider a major drawback). And I have a recurring dilemma since I can't find too many people I can relate to on the level I’ve been used to in New York where people like me are called candid, confident and determined. In Manila, I’m classified as rude, stubborn and arrogant. I can't find people who “get me”.

I end up with a lot of expat friends who unfortunately for me, are transients. Aside from expats, I also started developing an affinity for Americans living in Manila who were recent college graduates. The whole American thing just clicked. I was at home with them and they seemed to be at home with me. Something in me thoroughly relished in the role of taking care of foreigners.

Jana started doing gigs with a band at a local bar/restaurant near my house. It became for a while, a watering hole for me and my friends. Right around this time, I was taking formal voice lessons for fun and to develop another part of my brain. Maybe just to humor me because I’m so “ganado” and “filled with emotion” onstage, she called me to sing during open mic jam sessions. My singing back then and my choice of songs would’ve made anyone run for Prozac and Zoloft. At least, I’ve learned to pick more up-tempo songs and to be less dramatic which is not easy for someone who’s a natural in the drama department.

Anyway, this bar is where our friendship started. People come into your life during a particular season. And I bet you anything the timing isn’t an accident. I now know that the people who come into my life have a reason, a purpose and something of value to share with me. And I would like to think, vice versa.

I remember living on my own for 17 years in the United States. During this time, friends, by default, took on the role of my family. They supported me, encouraged me, helped me, sponsored me, tolerated me, accepted me and laughed & cried with me sometimes. On the rare moments that I would behave with a selfishness above and beyond what they could handle, the same friends told me off and put me in my place. I respect and love them for that…..

To the friends who have managed to survive me and to the many friends in the future, Jana included, who will survive me – thank you. My bark is much worse than my bite once you get down to it.

I had a Lebanese-Texan colleague tell me fairly early on in our acquaintance that she was on to my schtick. I said to her: “What schtick?” She said that I deliberately put on a tough exterior to immediately weed out people who didn’t have the gumption to get past that display. That underneath, once you’ve taken the time to dig deeper into the private persona, I’m actually a softie. That might have something to do with her nickname for me which is Twinkie.

Inspite of that comment (insert big smiley here), I remained dear friends with her. She “got me” even before she knew me. How could I not keep her?

Tina Vitas
Makati City

THINGS IN THIS COUNTRY THAT MAKE ME GO “HUH?”

1. Barging en masse into the elevator before the passengers have completely exited. How are passengers going to get out if you’re standing in the way? You are just making the entire process of getting to where you are going less expeditious, not more.

2. Department of Public Works start digging holes on busy streets in June. June signals the start of the season when it rains constantly and when there is generally heavier traffic with school in session. How come no one has the common sense to start digging during dry season when there are no floods and also take advantage of the few months where traffic is lighter because kids are on vacation?

3. I have written about this one in a letter to the Philippine Daily Inquirer. The dumbfounded look on a cashier’s face when you hand them a relatively small denomination like a P500 bill. The look – priceless!

4. People’s cell phones ringing off the hook, full volume during a performance at the CCP (Cultural Center of the Philippines). And some really ill-mannered viewers actually taking the phone call and having a conversation within earshot of the audience.

5. The CCP allowing viewers to walk in up until 45 minutes after a musical concert has started. If you’re late for the show, you should only be able to come in during intermission or in between numbers. The audience whom you are disrupting also paid for their tickets and they made it a point to get there on time. I had a dozen people walk through my row in those 45 minutes after the show began.

6. The garbage from the neighboring building landing on the open area behind my apartment unit. Did these tenants next door ever hear of a garbage chute or a trash can? If you can live in a building like BSA, I would like to assume you have had some education. It would be nice if this person didn’t use my building as their dumpster.

7. Blocking the diamond lane in the intersection. Basically, if I can’t get through, no one else will. Guess what, no one does. We’re all stuck there twiddling our thumbs.

8. The driver on the extreme right lane of a four-lane Osmena highway careening horizontally towards the left side so the car can turn left. Who cares if this driver swipes the three other cars in their lanes, who by the way, are all in the right of way?

9. I park in an open air paid vertical parking in my building. Drivers blocking my car with their horizontally parked cars without leaving the keys with the guards. There was one occasion when it took a good thirty minutes to find the driver in the building.

10. Jeepneys, buses and pedicabs. Say no more!

I have to tell you, Filipinos are an accepting, forgiving and too “pasa-todo” bunch. An attitude like “okay lang iyan” begets a society that never changes. Yet, these same people who have that attitude also complain.

Sometimes, I just wonder why Filipinos are so bizarrely lacking in common sense when we are a very smart race, after all.

Four years later, I am still going “HUH?”

Tina Vitas
Makati City

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL (AND OTHER BEAUTIFUL THINGS)

I hosted a breakfast gathering for one of my closest and dearest friends, favorite people on the planet and tireless spiritual coach, Ronelle Bell from Cape Town, South Africa on Thursday this week. Ronelle studied in Manila for a year and returned home in May 2006 to work full-time in university campus ministry. We met through our church, the Victory Christian Fellowship at the Fort.

For the Every Nation Leadership Institute (ENLI) World Conference this July 2007, she dragged a team of college kids she mentors all the way to the Philippines to attend the conference. Their schedule was akin to that of a Presidential campaign yet I snagged Ronelle a few times solo (yes, I am a selfish and sometimes, a high- maintenance friend) and on one occasion, Ronelle and her group at breakfast. She is literally a ray of light wherever she goes because of her infectious spirit and upbeat demeanor.

I was blown away by the Cape Town college kids – they were all so sweet, well spoken and delicate. I looked like I had the manners of a pro wrestler compared to them – loud and proud. They had all the shades of black and brown among six of them, including Ronelle. Such diversity in their beauty and color. One looked Latina, the other could pass for a Filipina and the young man was a dead ringer for Ziggy Marley.

Additionally, Ronelle handcarried a few bottles of wine for me from South Africa. I couldn't believe the quality of the wines from their vineyards. It was world class and comparable to the better-known wine producing countries like France, Italy, Spain, Chile, Argentina, Australia and US (California).

Most of the visual I have on Africa are the stories and images flashed on CNN. Not to be rude to Africans, but the themes of these stories often involve bloodshed, violence and famine. I’m not discounting stories of hope in that continent like Nelson Mandela and the demise of apartheid, Oprah Winfrey’s school for girls, Angelina Jolie’s humanitarian missions and many more. Same way that the general perception abroad based on the media is that it’s alarmingly dangerous in the Philippines. Therefore, our country is not a recommended tourist destination.

Although I have lived in a few different places, met and mingled with international people from all over the globe whose caliber I can only aspire towards, I still hold on steadfastly to these ridiculous ideas about people. I’m embarrassed to even admit that for someone who portrays herself as so worldly, parts of me remain quite ignorant. The more we know about the world, the more we break down our prejudices and misconceptions. Oftentimes, they are just that - prejudices and misconceptions based on ignorance and stupidity.

A friend of mine is blessed with supreme genes in the looks department which gets him loads of attention he is not always comfortable with (never imagined one’s beauty could be such a burden…..) But the most arresting thing about him is that he has his heart in the right place and that he has an incredible brain lodged in his head. Even if this person gained forty pounds (sorry, dear), he would still have the goods because the goods are in the right place.

My point is that we connect to people on a level that is more than skin deep, that is more than just commonalities based on the “uncontrollables” that were not of our choosing - like color, nationality, age, religion, looks, intelligence, size, families/money/place we were born into, social status in society etc. The commonalities that truly connect us and connect us with a bond that lasts a lifetime - shared values, goals, interests, dreams, priorities, beliefs, lifestyle, choices and allow me, humor, most definitely……These are really what matter in the long-run, not the color of one’s skin.

After that breakfast, I was humbled to find that there is beauty in many people we come across in life. Sometimes, we are just too blind and too self-absorbed to recognize it and appreciate it.

On a parting note, one of the girls named Zwakele gave us a sample of the song she was performing that evening. I can only tell you one thing, I would like to sing with the soul of a black woman. Hallelujah!

And to my sisters from Cape Town, I say to you with the sincerest of compliments:

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!

Tina Vitas
Makati City

THE PINOY “INTRIGA” FACTOR

I had one of those weeks when most of my energy was zapped by an activity that is a complete and utter waste of time – dealing with intrigues. This particular situation I share with you happened in the workplace.

INTRIGA IS A BIG FACTOR IN EVERYDAY FILIPINO LIFE. It is counterproductive, hurtful and disruptive. Filipinos, men and women, continue to engage in it like an addiction. It really gets a rise out of me every time I see it happen.

In the last few years I lived here, I noticed that Filipinos like chatting about the gory details of their personal life. More enjoyable than that is chatting about other people and other people’s business. The problem is when they say something negative about another person, when you call them on it, they will not own up to what they said. And very defensively remark: “I never said that!”. It is a country, it appears to me, suffering from selective amnesia.

I don’t have any problems with people taking the liberty to comment about others. They are entitled to have an opinion about everything under the sun – with the opinion being either complimentary, indifferent or downright nasty. But please don’t pretend like you never said it when someone asks you.

I have found characters in denial of this sort in the States. These types, though, are more an exception rather than the rule. Americans are quite straightforward and in general, have the nerve to admit what they had said, however unpleasant those comments may be. The normal response when called on it would be something along the lines of: “Yes, I did say that. It's my opinion.”

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a dear Mexican friend who I learned a lot from while we were colleagues in New York. He used to poke fun at me because I was so black or white about every issue known to man. The point he was trying to make was we definitely have to define absolutes when it comes to the big, non-negotiables like integrity, loyalty, sincerity and the like. But the other facets of life really leave room for a large undefined (undefinable even), gray area. The conclusion is nobody really knows the absolute, absolute truth of absolutely everything. But the goal is to come as close as possible to discovering what the truth is…..In that respect, it is not entirely distorted to say that truth, in certain situations, is relative.

When faced with a few belligerent and already hot-tempered adult women in my office screaming “You said this…” with the other saying “I didn’t say that..." And a third one chiming in “Are you calling her a liar?”. I just watched this pathetic exchange and shook my head in sheer disgust. I had a yes or no question that sparked this feisty drama and fierce debate. From my point of view, my question was already answered so I didn't really care about everyone else's two cents worth.

Folks when you say something, mean it and own up to it. If you can’t, don’t bother saying it. In Tagalog, PANINDIGAN MO ANG IYONG SINABI. Kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo nalang sabihin.

There is no bigger turn-off in life than being – in the words of the very wise and witty Richard C. Madigan – A WEASEL.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

I was relating the story to a lunch companion of mine this weekend about my first rehearsal of the Billy Joel classic song “New York State of Mind” and how singing the lyrics made me teary-eyed. I was awash with a torrent of memories of my 9 years in New York, especially the colorful and incorrigible (used as terms of endearment) characters I met there who made a huge imprint in my heart.

The simpatico “old soul” at lunch said to me: “You should go back to New York.” At that moment, that was probably the most appropriate thing to say…..

New York stood for an extraordinary chapter in my life. Maybe it was the particular stage in my life, the time in my life, the period in New York when there was a Wall Street bull run like no other and the types of people who crossed paths with me (a number of whom took care of me as though I was a part of their own family).

This confluence of factors, sad to say, can not be repeated in another place or at another time. The inner circle of people who redefined my standards of friendship and love by which future relationships will be measured against - people like Richard, Gisela, Leni, Joe and Eduardo – have all gone their separate ways. Some stayed in New York, one moved to Mexico City and another is currently in the midst of finding a new career wherever in the world her search may take her.

By the way, there are many other friends of mine who have impacted my life profoundly. Though you weren't mentioned by name, you know who you are and how much I appreciate your friendship.

I’ve lived here for almost four years now - in Emerging Markets, Third World, always on the verge of developing but haven’t yet developed Manila, Philippines in Southeast Asia. I have accepted that I am now a Philippine resident with a grace and peace that have been very hard to come by. In fact, only recently did I stop belligerently fighting the idea that one high-heeled clad foot of mine is permanently on Cathay Pacific.

Having said all that, I’m not saying I will never live anywhere else because I’ve learned that one never knows what the future brings. Besides, experience has proven to me that life is indeed full of surprises.

I have to admit, my life here in Manila is not the same life that I knew so well and loved dearly in New York, by any stretch of the imagination. It is oftentimes lacking in diversity, efficiency, candor, sensibility, excitement and unpredictability.

But it is a life rich with so many possibilities, on many different levels. A life that is overflowing with comfort, ease, warmth, flexibility, freedom and security of a support system of family and friends around me whom I can call on for help. With the added bonus of tropical weather all year and having the luxury of time to enjoy life, not just slave away at one's job.

Finally, after four years of struggling, I can finally announce to the world that I have arrived. I AM HOME. Every now and then, though, I still indulge myself in a “New York State of Mind” for old times’ sake. I can't help it, I truly miss the people I met in New York, more than the place itself. Because it's always the people you encounter that makes that place special to you.

The moment reality hits me again, I am reminded that my mind can wander however far back into my past life it wants to go but my heart is now where it belongs – in Manila.

There’s no better way to end this post than with the last few lines of the song that goes:

“I DON’T HAVE ANY REASONS BECAUSE I LEFT THEM ALL BEHIND. I’M IN A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND.”

Tina Vitas
Makati City

IT’S IMPOSSIBLE

Friends, I thought that I might relax my style a little bit for this post. And keep it short since these are my random thoughts which spilled over into sentences and paragraphs. Voila - another post.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day that unnerved and disturbed me deeply. She was not the first person who has said the same exact statement to me with the same exact phrasing: “Tina, you like the impossible!” These are people who know me quite well which makes their comments even more “challenging”…..

I’ve got news for you, boys and girls. “I BELIEVE IN THE POSSIBILITY OF ALL THINGS!” First, because my brain is wired that way and second, because I have incredibly strong faith.

Glasnost and perestroika, end of the Cold War, crumbling of the Berlin wall, gay rights, interracial marriage, vacationing on the moon, the internet, seniors leading healthy lives in their 80’s, the Terminator is now a Governor, 2 female Presidents in the Philippines, fall of apartheid, laser surgery, in vitro fertilization, cloning, physically handicapped men & women in competitive sports, 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center and coming soon to a theater near you - the first black President or the first female President of the United States.

The things, situations and conventions that were back in the day considered UNIMAGINABLE, now have become ordinary facts of life, quite commonplace. Was there really a time when a black person couldn’t sit in front of the bus and heaven forbid, beside a white person? You almost take history for granted since so much has changed. And for the most part, changed for the better.

I’m not an easy study in human psychology because I’m a pragmatist who is both highly analytical and introspective. At the same time though, the flipside of me is an idealist who loves to dream and listens to my raw instinct & intuition even when it doesn’t initially make that much sense to me.

I would not do something if I couldn’t defend it with logic. But it’s funny how sometimes logic has no place in the sphere of thinking that allows our minds to run unleashed and unfettered, stimulating us to do our most creative, innovative and productive thinking. The kind that is outside the box. The kind that breeds change in the world.

I’m a very keen observer of human nature because people simply fascinate me. I’ve noticed across cultures that this holds true for everyone. If you want something very badly, nothing is too difficult. If you don’t really want something, everything is too difficult.

Impossible is a limitation of the human mind and the human spirit. I think that IM in front of impossible only means two things. If you can I-magine it, you can M-anifest it.

This world wouldn’t be as wonderful as it is today if most of us started our days with thoughts like “Naah, it can’t be done. It’s impossible so why bother trying?”

I think I’ve defended my title, Ms. Nothing Is Impossible. Even if I haven’t, I’m happy that I never imposed boundaries on how far my thoughts, hopes and dreams will go. Keeps me thoroughly entertained. Plus, it doesn't cost me a cent.

I leave you with this quote from author Henry James:

“UNTIL YOU TRY, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO.”

Tina Vitas
Makati City

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME VS. IT’S ONLY ABOUT THEM

With Filipina-Chinese blood in me, maybe some Malay, Indonesian, Aborigine (the original Filipino ancestors) and Spanish thrown in for good measure, that says I am by nature Eastern in design, co-existing with an American upbringing, that says I am by definition Western in expression, I struggle with “it’s all about me vs. it’s only about them” in Manila. A Filipina looking-woman with an arsenal of high-fallutin' Tagalog vocabulary plus a very American mentality and attitude towards life is not a normal combo in these neck of the woods.

I read a book by a Vietnamese Zen master and Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hahn a few years back called “Teachings on Love”. One of major premises of the book is that we must learn to love ourselves above all because we cannot really give to others what we ourselves do not have. Loving others begins with a healthy dose of self-love.

At first, I was a little confused by this because in my mind, putting myself first translated to arrogance, conceit and ego. But what he was really saying has nothing to do with self-worship but something as fundamental as “value yourself”.

The Philippines remains a very Catholic country to date which in and of itself is not bad. My problem is I see a lot self-denial, driven by Catholic guilt, around me. People who think their personal needs are last priority, behind everyone else’s – parents, spouses, kids, relatives, friends, bosses, colleagues and staffmembers. I can already hear the whispers inside their head that say: “As long as everyone else is happy, it doesn't matter if I'm miserable.” Eventually, feelings of resentment will start to surface. And the giving has now become a burden to everyone, not a blessing.

There is a saying which I love to tell my mom which is funnier in Tagalog but loosely translated goes something like: “Mama, martyrdom went out of style a long time ago.” And it did. No one gets any points nowadays for self-inflicted pain. The freedom to choose is ours, though not without personal consequences.

The United States, meanwhile, generally suffers the opposite syndrome. Taken to the very extreme, it's all about ME, ME, ME! I always come first, my personal happiness is paramount, even at the cost of alienating everyone, including my loved ones. It’s too much trouble to go out of my way to make people around me happy.

The truth of the matter is either extreme is not healthy for us or the people around us. The easiest person to take care of is you, just because you're with yourself 24 hours a day whether you like it or not. In that respect, I completely agree with the book “Teachings on Love”.

That is not to say that we aren’t going to be called to make certain compromises and sacrifices to honor our commitments. We can do that successfully only if we have already clearly defined with confidence that the love we are giving to others emanates from our self-love. Therefore, it is not really taking anything away from us.

No one is to blame for the sometimes costly mistakes I've collected in my life. Have a lot of battle scars to prove it. But I have always been responsible for my own mess. I am not someone who says, I did it for you and look where it got me?

I’d like to end this blog with a quote from American actress Tallulah Bankhead shared to me by my friend, Pablo Conill, since the quote reminded him of me when he read it.

“IF I HAD TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, I’D MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, ONLY SOONER.”

Tina Vitas
Makati City

TEN LESSONS IN THE FIRST ONE HUNDRED DAYS OF MANAGING A PINOY STAFF

1. Communicate your company’s values, mission and vision to your team members. Who are you, what do you stand for and where are you going? This doesn’t mean, especially in the area of where you are going, that you can’t change your route along the way. But at least you give them a map of where you want to take them, as a general guide.

2. There is power in these three traits: sincerity, loyalty and integrity. If you want your team members to learn these three necessary traits, show them by example. As their leader and guide, you have to live what you believe.

3. Raise their level of thinking if you want them to grow. Dumbing down only results in dumbing down and dumb people running around in your organization. Regardless of whether they have a grade school degree, a high school degree, a college diploma or a Phd, people understand basic concepts if explained clearly, in a way they can relate to, of course. I tend to use a lot of practical analogies so my team members can visualize what I mean.

4. It’s not just about the money; your team members want to feel that they have a personal contribution to your company no matter how small and that their voices can be heard. When you promise to get back to them with an answer to their question, request, complaint (yes, no, another time), do so in a timely fashion.

5. Set specific expectations of their performance so they know what it is you want them to accomplish. Give them the tools and the support to perform ably. As a follow-up to setting the standards of their expected performance, evaluate their performance on a periodic basis (monthly, quarterly, yearly).

6. Admit when you are wrong. This is a tough one but it shows them that everyone makes mistakes, can learn from them, must move on and do better the next time.

7. Invest time, money, energy and effort to educate them. Your team members are more valuable to you the more skilled they are and the more they use their heads. The brain is an organ which is severely underused. There is much room for it to get sharper with constant exercise.

8. You can, as an employer, treat your team members extremely well and still encounter those who simply have the wrong attitude and bad character (both incurable, unlike lack of skills and lack of education). This might cause you to be discouraged. Don’t let that happen. Weeding out is part of the process. Sometimes, it’s better to part ways sooner rather than later.

9. Exercise patience. People need time to change their way of thinking, especially if that’s the only way they know and they’re comfortable with that way already. People by nature are creatures of habit so they dread change.

10. Discipline your team members very early on in the relationship. Always be firm but fair (the analogy of the velvet glove rather than an iron fist). Correct when needed, definitely compliment when called for. People, especially Filipinos in my experience, will try to get away with as much as they can, if you allow them.

P.S. On a lighter note, I highly recommend the MANAGING A PINOY STAFF DIET to anyone who wants to lose weight. I must’ve lost anywhere between 8-10 pounds in 6 weeks without even trying.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE SCENTSATIONS LAUNCH

SCENTSATIONS has arrived…..

I picked up a line of locally manufactured, designer-inspired fragrances in the hopes of branding and distributing it. Tall order for a petite entrepreneur like me. I figured that if I was able to make a brand icon out of my mom with her restaurant, Mama V, I can do the same with an unknown line of high-quality designer inspired fragrances. (Imitation is, after all, the highest form of flattery, isn’t it?) Started with the appropriate name – SCENTSATIONS. A play on the word sensations. Sense of smell evokes a lot of memories, emotions, thoughts and sometimes, even imagery.

My first step was to convince a few direct sales agents who were in my natural environment - voice teacher and receptionist at music school, therapist at beauty salon, housekeeping at my office building, secretary at my financial adviser’s office, my nephew’s yaya - to sell the fragrances on commission. The goal was to get feedback from a diverse set of customers. I was encouraged by the overwhelmingly positive responses across the board.

Quick lesson in my direct sales experience was to downsize. The 100 ml. bottle was value for money which made it relatively cheap; but Filipinos are generally more concerned that the product is absolutely cheap in real peso numbers. Interesting for me to see this at play because I learned the opposite philosophy in Emerging Markets investments. Relative value is more important than absolute value. In a sense, Filipinos are a very peculiar breed.

Step two was to switch to the 50 ml. bottle and try a bigger audience at a bazaar setting. I turned in an application to the monthly Karl Edward Bazaar at the NBC Tent and was told there was no availability. After several follow-up calls from my office, I was accepted on May 21st for the mid-June bazaar. Perfect venue to launch SCENTSATIONS since the Karl Edward Bazaar already has a loyal following.

With 9 women’s fragrances and 8 men’s fragrances I handpicked myself, I officially introduced SCENTSATIONS to the general public today, Saturday, June 16, 2007. Successful launch of a new product as measured by visual appeal of the bazaar booth, the presentation of the product and lingering first impressions. I knew that I had to temper my expectations regarding sales volume this early on in the business cycle.

Depending on how the reception grows over the next few months, step three is to bite the cost and rent retail space in a heavy traffic mall. I wish to be able to achieve this within a year’s time in order to have a bigger platform for distribution across a wider market. I will not do this, though, until I’m ready for the long-term commitment of paying exhorbitant rents and until I feel comfortable that my product already has a good base.

I would like to thank Babsi Angeles, my new Business Manager, who has been patient, supportive and tolerant of me in the initial stages of the business-building of Scentsations. She’s doing this while also running my 24-Hour Convenience Store and managing me, her boss (the more challenging of the three).

Many thanks to Kyle Gozo, up and coming Junior Art Director (he refers to himself as “visualizer”), who has helped me with the design, concept and the execution of the bazaar booth above and beyond what I would’ve imagined, especially since he donated his time and creative genius without compensation. It was a great pleasure to collaborate with Kyle because we just threw ideas back and forth at each other until we reached an outcome where we both had our distinct input. I felt like I was back with my old Emerging Markets Team of superstars at Offitbank, a fertile and festive breeding ground of brilliant ideas coming from Richard Madigan, Scott McKee, Lenora Suki and Eduardo Raz Guzman. This is what I miss most in the corporate world – people who stretch your critical thinking and creative imagination beyond your comfort level.

I must say that in the almost four years I have lived in the Philippines, working with Babsi and Kyle has been a breath of fresh air. A rarity indeed. After this reaffirming experience with these two colleagues, I am confident that this country has a pool of people, hiding somewhere, undiscovered, who have the talent, drive and desire to work hard in pursuit of the finest. Very passionate about what they do and have such attention to detail. They will simply not settle for what we have grown accustomed to in our society as “puwede na iyan” and “cutting corners”. These two lethal Filipino work attitudes together produces mediocrity. A sad waste of many of the Filipinos’ natural abilities.

Something worth mentioning to you. Although Babsi did not finish her college degree, she has the panache and the will to overcome what other people would consider an obstacle – lack of education. And because I recognized that she had the attitude of a winner, it would be up to me as her boss and mentor to invest in her, to bring out the “diamond in the rough”, if she survives me…..I am not only demanding, tough and particular, but I also have high standards and high expectations of myself and other people. Mind you, whatever I do is always done with a “wicked” sense of humor, a unique flair, entertaining drama on some days and with a generous hand. Never boring, I promise.

Kyle, meanwhile, is in his twenties. You can’t fathom where he gets the depth of his talent and professionalism from, inspite the lack of work experience on his resume. It must be genetic. He is the nephew of Minyong Ordonez, formerly of Basic Advertising and recently retired CEO of Publicis Group. Most famous for creating the classic and much loved “langhap sarap” ads of Jollibee, among many others. A legend in the Philippine advertising industry. From the looks of it, Kyle could be following in a legend’s footsteps this early on in his career.

Cheers to people like Kyle and Babsi. I am truly inspired after having worked with both of you. Maraming salamat!

Let me leave you with this thought: “If you give your best to the world, the world gives its best back to you.”

And everybody say, amen.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

A LETTER TO HONORABLE ACE DURANO, DEPARTMENT OF TOURISM

I sent this letter via post to the office of the Honorable Ace Durano of the Department of Tourism not too long after my mother, my nephew and I went on a package tour to Banaue/Sagada last year. I never received a response from his office. Might have something to do with the fact that I am a private citizen with no political clout. Nonetheless, I wanted to share the letter with you.

July 16, 2006

Honorable Joseph H. Durano
Secretary, Department of Tourism
Room 400, DOT Building
T.M. Kalaw Street
Rizal Park, Ermita 1000

Dear Minister Durano:

I read a piece in the Philippine Daily Inquirer by Greg Bloom (one of the author’s of Lonely Planet Philippine edition) about the potential of the Philippines as a major ecotourism and adventure travel destination. This is obviously an area where the Philippines has a competitive advantage in that has not been fully explored.

Greg Bloom also mentioned in his piece that the Department of Tourism is aggressively promoting the already famous tourist attractions which include Boracay, Bohol, Palawan and Banaue/Sagada. I do agree with him that destinations like Banaue/Sagada are more heavily advertised than others, although it appears to me that we have to do more than just promotion – we need to focus on preservation, as well.

I acknowledge the fact that you have done a superb job during your current stint as Minister and congratulate you for your efforts. I know this because of the published statistics in the papers on foreign visitors and their more diverse nationalities, in addition to the visual evidence I see when I walk around in the Central Business District and my travels throughout the Philippines. There are more foreigners living and visiting the country today than when I arrived in 2003.

I have lived in the States for 17 years, the last 9 years in New York City. I returned home to Manila in August 2003. Since I am now a resident of Makati, it is my obligation as a concerned Filipino citizen to write my public officials if I feel they can do something to make this country a better place for myself and my countrymen. I am writing you to relate a story about my trip to Sagada in the end of May this year.

I took a walking tour with a local tour guide to a cave in Sagada to see the much talked about Hanging Coffins. I was deeply saddened to hear the story from the tour guide that the city is not given proper funding to preserve these sites. In fact, from where I was standing in the mouth of the cave, you could see bones left on top of the wooden coffins. Obviously, certain irresponsible and disrespectful visitors had already desecrated these burial sites. It is both embarrassing and pitiful that something like this can happen to one of our most beloved landmark treasures and more importantly, a sacred place of burial.

A top foreign female executive of a New Zealand bank in the Philippines said in an interview that Sagada is so magical that anyone who hasn’t been to Sagada has not been to the Philippines. This is a compliment of the highest order to the beauty and majesty of this place, Minister Durano.

If what the tour guide in Sagada told me is accurate, I urge you to please look into that problem. I believe that tourism, like it has in other Emerging countries, i.e. Thailand, can contribute significantly to our economy and bring our people out of poverty by giving them a source of income. Unfortunately, this will not happen if we allow the tourist attractions that make the Philippines a unique destination in Asia like Banaue/Sagada further deteriorate.

I thank you for your time and I hope you appreciate my concern. I would like to know what we can do collectively, the DOT and the public, to alleviate this situation. If there is anything I can do to help your institution, I may be reached by email at tvitas@pldtdsl.net.

Sincerely yours,

Tina Vitas

WHY THIS COUNTRY IS POOR

I am approaching four years as a returning resident in Manila this August. End of May this year must have been an all-time low for me in this country. Back to back experiences made me shake my head in hopelessness. I am beginning to seriously doubt that the Philippines will ever rise above its current levels of deplorable poverty. Hate to break it to you, our people are stuck in a poverty trap. A “live for today and take what you can even if it’s not yours” mindset that keeps them poor and even poorer over time, if they don’t change. That’s on the side of the poor. On the side of the rich, there is a lot of apathy because it doesn’t really affect their lives whether there is no poverty, some poverty or a lot of poverty. They are already rich and will probably stay that way.

I had the experience of being a first-time business owner and employer in the Philippines with a small household staff of one (I have a studio apartment) and a few employees in my upscale 24-hour “sari-sari” store that caters to a 24-hour Karaoke/TV business. At the same time, not to pat myself on the back, I have and continue to support my church and other charitable organizations with my modest personal money as a way of giving back to the universe which has been incredibly kind to me.

Those wealthy philanthropists can throw large sums of money to organizations to help the poor. I had a better and more affordable idea of helping those few people whom I employ through empowerment. My strategy towards lifting my employees out of their socio-economic status was three-fold: pay them a good salary, give incentive compensation in terms of commission and extras and create opportunities for them to move up in my mom & pop organization when I recognize talent, loyalty, integrity and hard work.

The salary is what I owe them in exchange for the work they have rendered to my company; an even exchange, a quid-pro-quo transaction. Anything above and beyond that is extra. It is given out of the goodness of my heart, in my desire to share whatever I have with them. With this thinking, I was in shock at how a number of employees whom I have helped tremendously, especially the ones who had been with me a few years, had an attitude that can be summed up in one word: UNGRATEFUL.

In the end, they behaved as though they were doing me a favor by working for me and that I owed them for that privilege, even after I paid them their salaries. Additionally, that there was no need to be thankful for my generosity because that was nothing short of the ordinary. And please don’t even get me started about the ones who stole from me…..

Allow me to share an anecdote. I thought it most bizarre because one of my employees earnestly prays on bended knees every Wednesday in Baclaran Church for abundance. Did it not ever occur to her that the money bag was not just going to mysteriously fall out of the skies and land on her lap? That maybe the financial blessings would be coursed through an instrument perhaps like me, her employer?

I was the one who sincerely wanted to help them make a decent living and I turned out to be the bad guy for expecting any kind of appreciation from them. This kind of reciprocity made me angry, sad, appalled, perplexed, disheartened, disgusted, disappointed and regretful. With these experiences, what incentive do I have to continue the mission that I’m trying to accomplish? Absolutely none.

Fast forward a few weeks later, when things are in much better perspective. Like everything in life, you cannot give up because you encounter a few bad eggs, a few rotten tomatoes, a few bruised apples. There will always be people who fall short of expectations. When my emotions calmed down, I refused to be deterred by the task at hand. A task which I imposed on myself when I came back home to the Philippines in August 2003 – to change the lives of people around me by changing how they think. That what and how they think determines the actions they take and as a result, the kind of lives they will ultimately have.

If only because of my stubbornness in accomplishing this goal, I am able change one life, THAT IS ONE LIFE THAT IS BETTER OFF TODAY THAN YESTERDAY. I can go to bed with a feeling that I have done something worthwhile, even on such a tiny scale.

I leave you with a verse from Scripture with a promise, a promise that comes with an exhortation that we will have to help the Creator help ourselves.

“Ask and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8)

Tina Vitas
Makati City

THE STIGMA OF BEING SINGLE

One of my greatest fears coming back home from New York in 2003 was the oft- repeated greeting in Manila to a single girl in her late twenties and thirties of: “Are you married yet?” (Answer: No). Next question, “Why not? Your standards must be too high.”

This is a nightmare that replayed in my head before heading back home at age 34, single, never been married and no boyfriend in sight. How to stay polite when bombarded by this question of why your marital status is S as opposed to an M. A very private matter, like how much you weigh. This reminds me of another favorite greeting in Manila that goes: “Hi, you’ve gained weight.” Or “Hi, you’ve lost weight.” We will leave that discussion for another article.

There used to be a time when getting married and having children was one of the requirements and rites of passage into adult life. People very readily settled down and lived happily ever after. So we thought……

Life seemed much simpler back then. A woman’s role was limited to managing the household, taking care of her husband and raising her children. This dynamic worked until the era came when two incomes were necessary to support a family, bringing women into the workforce. The once dependent wives now had their own disposable incomes. Women all of a sudden had freedom, independence and choices.

I turned 38 in October last year and something funny is happening in my brain. Marriage, which I have romanticized since I was a young girl, has lost its “necessity for a fulfilling and complete life” appeal. It now only has “it’s entirely my call when I meet the right guy” appeal. Nowadays, being married has become a luxury. You don’t need it to survive but you may still want it, at a price that may have already grown too steep for some.

Maybe it’s because I see how many people among my peers are already separated with children. Maybe it’s because I see that a lot of marriages, especially the ones that couples got into for all the wrong reasons, are not the happy and fun partnerships they ought to be. Maybe because I see that being married to the wrong person is a fate much worse then waking up and eating breakfast by yourself.

It has become more difficult for people to make the decision to settle down nowadays. The longer you are single, the more ensconced you are in your own lifestyle. Have a confession to make. I've worked so hard to reach a happy single equilibrium that I now sort of, in a weird and ridiculous kind of way, dread the day when a man will come along from the heavens and tilt the balance and contentment I struggled to create. I will only accept a co-pilot if I get an overwhelming and comforting feeling that my prospective partner will be worth giving up my hard-earned singleness for…..We must agree at the minimum of where we are going and what route we are taking. A 38-year old woman by force of habit has become protective of her closet space and her personal space, in general. And you can’t blame her for that.

Let me go back to the original idea of not settling for less than who you think is the best partner for you. Maybe I have become too rigid, too picky and too narrow-minded in my wiser and baggage-filled years to allow me to take the plunge into that pool of marital bliss. But upon further introspection, I am comfortable with the notion that I haven’t become impossible to please. I have just come to know, accept and appreciate myself more. I am much clearer about what kind of person I want to share my life with and what I am/am not willing to compromise in this partnership that I hope will last into my golden years.

I have dated enough to have a good idea of what’s out there, but I haven't found someone who I felt was worth staying around for. And in marriage, one has to be black or white in picking. It's not fine china we’re choosing here folks, it's a lifetime partner. Unlike major department stores, there is no such thing as an even exchange. The refunds will cost you!

I only have one life and thus far, husband and kiddies notwithstanding, it’s been pretty damn good. I do have high standards. But I have high standards for everything in my life, with marriage just being one of them.

For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say, I am single and I am fine with it.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT FILIPINOS

I have a penchant for finding what it is that I feel needs to be improved in the methods and ways of the Filipino. I wanted to sit down for a change, to write about what I love about Filipinos and what makes me proud to be Filipino. The countdown of my top ten begins…..

1. I love that Filipinos take pride in the way they look and the way they dress. They also pay special attention to their personal hygiene regardless of what line of work they do, whether blue collar or white collar. Not to be petty but try taking the subway in other countries in the summer and you will appreciate this Filipino trait. Believe me.

2. I love the Filipino sense of politeness and gentleness in their manner of speaking. Spent some time in the very efficient and first-world city of Hong Kong this year. I love Hong Kong because it reminds me of where my heart will always be - New York - though it's New York in an Asian setting. After several trips to Hong Kong, I came to this realization that Filipinos’ docile nature can have its advantages in the right context.

3. I love the Filipinos’ natural ability to share and innate desire to give gifts big, small and cash-denominated at times. (I only wish they would have that same “sharing mindset” when it comes to driving. Traffic would be much less aggravating for drivers if such were the case.) In the realm of sharing, Filipinos also want to be part of a social group for many of their activities, starting with their families and relatives.

4. I love Filipinos’ creativity, resourcefulness and entrepreneurial spirit. They manage to craft and sell anything and everything on the streets, in sari-sari stores, in sidewalk kiosks, in department stores, in flea markets and in boutiques. I love it that they sell to each other in schools and the workplace, some even with payment installment plans. Again, the predominant product that is sold is not surprisingly, food!

5. I love the Filipino eagerness to help people in need and to show caring and concern to others, even people whom they don’t know too well. My brother’s friend, and my brother on a separate occasion, stood in line with me for several hours at the LTO to get my license. Granted they don’t have traditional office jobs, it was still an inconvenience for them to do that with me.

6. I love the fact that in a predominantly “machista” Filipino culture, there is pay equality among genders. And ample opportunities for women to rise to executive and managerial positions without too much discrimination based on their sex. The number of successful females in the corporate and business world in this country is one of the highest in Asia.

7. I love the Filipino warmth to foreigners, their welcoming and accommodating nature and ability to understand English. Have been to Bangkok a few times, which is another city I love, and I always come back thankful that our country still speaks, reads and writes in English. Try explaining to a saleswoman in Bangkok what size and color of clothing you need and it may take more than a few minutes, coupled with a lot of frustration on your part.

8. I love the Filipino man’s “gentlemanly and gallant” qualities that have not been eroded by modern life and the independence of women. They will still open doors for you, help you out of the car and pick you up from your house. I love the Filipina’s “femininity and softness” on the exterior, but don’t be fooled because that is coupled with a strong interior. They may be already helping with the finances but they still take care of their men at home. Proof that one can serve without necessarily being servile.

9. I love that Filipinos have such an exuberantly happy and positive outlook, have such hearty humor and have vibrant spirits whatever their circumstances in life may be at any time. This love for life also seems to have translated itself somehow into a love for singing. We must be the world’s most karaoke-addicted people. We don’t even need alcohol to give us courage to start singing in the early mornings. We are shameless when it comes to karaoke.

10. Partially because eating gives me such great joy (and it is only sheer vanity that keeps me from being a complete, all-out glutton), I love the Filipinos’ appetite for food, frequency of eating, throwing fiestas with incredible amounts of food and having numerous celebrations with an overflow of food. There is always a variety of food and a lot of it wherever you go in this country, from the bustling metropolis to the far rural corners.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

THE COST OF EXPORTING FILIPINOS

The ever growing number of OFW’s contribution to the Philippine economy astounds me. Not the sheer size of the figure and the surrounding hoopla about it but the social cost to Filipino society that everyone seems to have conveniently overlooked. Nobody ever talks about the social costs. We are all blinded by the money that the export of Filipino labor brings back to us.

Is exporting Filipinos abroad really a viable and sensible long-term solution to the problem we face at home which is - WE ARE UNABLE TO CREATE ENOUGH JOBS FOR OUR PEOPLE. A PEOPLE WHO ARE GROWING AT AN ALARMINGLY FASTER RATE THAN WE CAN SUPPLY RESOURCES TO THEM.

Bear with me for a moment and think hard about this. For every Filipino and Filipina, who is married with a family, we ship abroad in exchange for their precious foreign currency, there is a family left behind in the Philippines. A family that is without a father, without a mother (possibly without both father and mother), without a husband, without a wife. Children left behind with now more cash than they need but relegated to secondary caretakers. Even if it were the grandparents or aunts and uncles who raised these children, do you really think that they are better off with a more lavish life but growing up without their parents?

Spouses left behind by themselves who now have the solo burden of raising their children. Is this really a good formula for inspiring fidelity in a marriage, a union one commits to because of togetherness and partnership?

I am not a parent yet but I can tell you one thing from my own experience being a child - children need role models in their parents. I have changed dramatically in certain respects having lived abroad from ages 17-34, but the core of me has stayed the same. Many many thanks to both my parents’ hard work, time and dedication to raising me full-time and hands-on.

People always think that they are automatically better off when they have more money. Truth of the matter is, you are in some ways because you can buy more things, more vacations, more luxuries and more comforts. In other ways, the cause of happiness in life has no relation whatsoever to money. Studies across cultures and ages have shown that the main drivers of happiness are personal/professional fulfillment, spiritual well being, good relationships and feeling of belonging & contributing to a community.

If this were not the case, you would find a direct correlation between how much money people have and how happy they are. If you’ve been around insanely wealthy people (like I have because I worked in private banking in the U.S.), you would know that the correlation might even go in the opposite direction. More money, more complications in life and therefore, more misery. What a paradox!

At my age of 38, I have come to the conclusion that money can indeed buy you out of many unhappy situations because it gives you freedom. The unfortunate thing is it cannot buy you happiness. For this reason, it makes me terribly sad that we are celebrating the fragmentation of Filipino families and Filipino society in exchange for money.

In the future, I think we may look back and say it wasn't really worth it......We should start asking the important questions now as to what kind of generation of children we are raising – children whose parents are “out of reach” because they have been exported.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT change?

I am one of those people who notice many things and oftentimes, even small and inconsequential details. And when I do, I always ponder why things have to be the way they are…...I do not accept convention and status quo for the sake of time-honored tradition. Yes, I am not making my life easy.

Unlike other countries abroad where people use very little cash, credit and ATM debit cards are still not the norm in our country. I have to point out a major customer irritant of business establishments and service providers in Manila – THEY DO HAVE ENOUGH CHANGE FOR THEIR CUSTOMERS.

There are four incidences that happened to me and an American female friend of mine in the past few months to illustrate how prevalent this bad practice is across size and scope of businesses.

First, my friend rushed into my apartment panicked and asked me for smaller bills because her cab driver didn’t have change for P500. All this, while the cab driver waited downstairs, with his meter running, for my friend to come back with her money. On several other occasions, the cab driver didn't have change for P100.

Second, the same friend relayed this story to me. She had dinner at a busy bar/restaurant in the Makati Avenue area and had to settle her bill ahead so she could leave her dinner group for another engagement. She handed over P1,000 for a P500 plus meal to the cashier who smirked at her because of the size of the bill. The cashier then proceeded to tell her waitress to ask the others in the dinner group to cover my friend’s tab, instead of telling the waitress get change as she should have done.

Third, I was standing in line at a major supermarket chain in the capital of a province in Luzon. I watched this episode between the cashier at the check-out counter and the customers in utter disbelief. The cashier became frazzled when a customer gave P500 for her purchases. After that, another customer gave the cashier P500 for his purchases. The cashier then turned to me, who was next in line, to ask me if I could change her money. I wanted to get out of there quickly and had change anyway, so I did change the cashier’s P500.

Fourth, I was shopping at a tourist handicraft store in the Intramuros area and overheard a saleslady questioning another colleague why Filipinos get annoyed when you ask them if they have cash in smaller denominations. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

The customer is paying for your product and service. In return, as a business establishment, you make the sale and earn the profits. It is the responsibility of the business, not the customer, to be properly equipped to process the transaction. SO YES, IT IS A BIG DEAL IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CHANGE.

Please show some courtesy to your paying customers by keeping change handy. Plain and simple.

Tina Vitas
Makati City

FILIPINO VALUES

I would like to respond to the letter to the Editor of Marie Franz Jeruta on the subject of Take Pride in Filipino Values, published on July 20, 2006.

Ms. Jeruta, I agree with you completely that the Filipinos continue to suffer from a colonial mentality, particularly a wanton admiration for everything American. I lived in the United States for 17 years; it’s not the utopia that most people dream it to be – a home in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two car garage, two children, two careers, perfect marriage & family. In reality, it is the farthest thing from it because life is tough in America. People in big cities, in order to have a good life, very rarely have time for activities other than work. But true to their Pledge of Allegiance, they stand firm for “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” At least they try their best. Let us start with my unequivocal agreement to your statement that “we should instead appreciate being Filipino.”

I will, though, respectfully disagree with three points in your letter. First, that “we are the most resourceful race.” Filipinos are naturally creative and imaginative people, I will give you that. But where do most of us use this craftiness for? Is it to help our neighbors, help our country and uphold the good reputation of Filipinos in the international community? Many foreign friends of mine have observed that we are one of the few races where there is envy from one Filipino towards another Filipino who has it better. Most other nationalities support each other, not pull each other down. Filipinos are also well-known for using their resourcefulness to buck the system. I have witnessed Filipinos being interviewed at a foreign consulate in Manila. I will tell you now that I was embarrassed to be a Filipino that day. I do not wonder why our country has such an unpalatable reputation abroad and why our citizens are oftentimes singled out to be checked more thoroughly in immigration lines. During my recent trip abroad, the immigration officer scanned visas from every country in my passport to see if they are fake. Why don’t we start by using our resourcefulness for positive things that we as individuals can do to actually alleviate the conditions in our homeland?

Second, that “respect for elders stands as the norm of our society”. I have a problem with that statement right there. All human beings regardless of age, color, background, religion, social, economic and educational stature and intellectual capacity deserve respect. Not to belabor the point, but it seems that in the Philippines, people who are older, have higher educational degrees, higher positions in companies, bigger bank accounts, prestigious-sounding last names and positions of power are accorded more respect and given preferential treatment when it comes to the rule of law than children, illiterate people, service workers, laborers and your regular everyday man, Juan de la Cruz. Waiters demand the same level of respect in the United States as the owners of the restaurant they work for and the customers they serve. Everyone deserves to be treated with common courtesy, dignity and respect, regardless of who they are and where they come from. Why should there be any difference in the standards for human decency?

Third, “In our society, the problem of one becomes the problem of the whole family and even of the relatives.” In theory, this is a good thing but unfortunately, this practice is abused in the Philippines. I have heard of countless stories of househelp working in Manila and elsewhere who support their entire families -from parents to all the siblings in the province - with a single salary. I am a firm believer that when parents decide to have children, it is their obligation to feed, clothe, educate and raise them. Oftentimes, when this lone breadwinner has put a brother or sister through grade school all the way through college, the brother or sister ends up unmotivated to look for a job. The dependence on another as the source of livelihood has already become the norm, making it a bit of a challenge to learn to fend for oneself. Why should the problem of feeding adults be the sole responsibility of one family member?

Until this country starts operating on meritocracy, where hard work, skill, experience and talent determine ones success, we, as a nation, aren’t going anywhere. And we will keep losing our brightest minds to companies abroad where they have a chance at moving up in the corporate ladder and getting paid commensurate to their contribution to the company. Opportunities should be open to all people who deserve them and not to the limited few who society has dictated will have access to it. Thank you for your attention.

TINA VITAS
Makati City

DOES ONE LAMP POST REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

Letter to the Editor, Philippine Daily Inquirer

My Question:
Does one well-lit lamp post on a dark city block really make a difference?

My Background:
I have lived in the States for 17 years, the last 9 years in New York City. I returned home to Manila in August 2003, more American than my Filipino family and friends could ever dare imagine or easily accept (albeit keeping my fluency in Tagalog after living abroad half my life and being around non-Tagalog speakers). I am unapologetically opinionated, straightforward and strong-willed for most Filipinos’ tastes. If there is one thing that America has imprinted in me, it’s the idea that if you are unhappy with a situation, you have no right to complain unless you are willing to do something to address it. Meanwhile, majority of Filipinos tend to be tolerant, often to a fault.

My Issue:
When Ayala Malls started construction on Greenbelt 5 on Legaspi Street, they closed off Greenbelt Drive to both foot & vehicular traffic until October next year. After 9 pm, you need to walk on Paseo De Roxas or De La Rosa Street to get to either Greenbelt 2, 3, 4 or the Landmark Bridge. I noticed that the stretch of De La Rosa street, between Legaspi Street and Makati Avenue was pitch black at night. Since I walk whenever I can to avoid traffic, it caused me some discomfort to walk on a dimly lit street, in the Central Business District no less.

My Action Plan:
On May 11, I emailed Rick Yupangco at Ayala Land. I asked him to speak to Ayala Museum to keep their building lights on after 9 pm. Knowing how slow everything happens in the Philippines, I braced myself for a long wait. I was thinking realistically that this street should be lit by December 2006. I followed up a few times in the following weeks.

Around June 16, barely a month after I wrote the email, I noticed a single street lamp post in the middle of the block, across from Ayala Museum, illuminating this once dark passageway. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly my project got done. I and everyone who shares my concern want to thank this group of people for making this happen: Mr. Lyle Abadia of Ayala Land, Land & Community Development Group; Architect Reggie Pascual of Ayala Property Management Corporation, Makati Infrastructure CBD Administrator - Estate Management Division; Architect Cynthia Javier of Ayala Property Management Corporation, Common Areas Administrator - Commercial Centers Division;
Mr. Jimmy Matias of Makati Commercial Estates Association (MACEA), General Manager and Mr. Rick Yupangco of Ayala Land, Inc., Corporate Business Group. MACEA provided the lamp post for this project. Congratulations!

My Conclusion:
If you want to change this country, you have to change the beliefs, attitudes, priorities, values, methods and ideas that do not work. Filipinos have a proclivity to accept things because “that’s how they’ve always been”, while perpetually complaining about their less than ideal state of affairs. Additionally, even the things we don’t want to accept, we somehow manage to tolerate (a character trait known in Tagalog as “matiisin”). You really have to wonder how far this attitude can take us.

If you love your country, put your effort into caring about the small things that matter. If you cannot fix the small things, there is not a chance in the heavens you will ever be able to fix the big things. I didn’t enjoy walking in the dark; neither did my fellow Filipinos. But I claimed my right, as a tax-paying citizen, to the social benefit of a well-lit street.

If you want the Philippines to catch up with the rest of our neighbors in Asia, arm your strong faith with goal-oriented action. Doing the right thing is not always easy. And in a country where I question the direction of its moral compass, doing the right thing is also oftentimes unpopular. But I am a God-fearing Christian before I am a Filipino, so I have to stand by Biblical ideals even if they run counter to the prevailing Pinoy culture.

Don’t belittle your efforts. Over time, your vigilance adds up and sets a good example for people who will one day lead this country, like my eleven year old nephew, Alex. This young adult continues to astound me because of his level of intuitiveness, discernment and responsibility; a level far more impressive that most old adults I know. I have never been afraid to confront this boy with the truth even at a young age. To his credit, he has been able to handle it with such enviable grace.

I am a natural cynic yet I have tremendous hope for the Philippines. This country and its people are far too beautiful for me to lose hope that there will be better days ahead for all Filipinos, not just some.

And yes, a lone light shining in the darkness makes a difference. Ask anyone who tripped walking in the dark in the middle of the night going to the bathroom…..

Tina Vitas
Makati City