THE STIGMA OF BEING SINGLE

One of my greatest fears coming back home from New York in 2003 was the oft- repeated greeting in Manila to a single girl in her late twenties and thirties of: “Are you married yet?” (Answer: No). Next question, “Why not? Your standards must be too high.”

This is a nightmare that replayed in my head before heading back home at age 34, single, never been married and no boyfriend in sight. How to stay polite when bombarded by this question of why your marital status is S as opposed to an M. A very private matter, like how much you weigh. This reminds me of another favorite greeting in Manila that goes: “Hi, you’ve gained weight.” Or “Hi, you’ve lost weight.” We will leave that discussion for another article.

There used to be a time when getting married and having children was one of the requirements and rites of passage into adult life. People very readily settled down and lived happily ever after. So we thought……

Life seemed much simpler back then. A woman’s role was limited to managing the household, taking care of her husband and raising her children. This dynamic worked until the era came when two incomes were necessary to support a family, bringing women into the workforce. The once dependent wives now had their own disposable incomes. Women all of a sudden had freedom, independence and choices.

I turned 38 in October last year and something funny is happening in my brain. Marriage, which I have romanticized since I was a young girl, has lost its “necessity for a fulfilling and complete life” appeal. It now only has “it’s entirely my call when I meet the right guy” appeal. Nowadays, being married has become a luxury. You don’t need it to survive but you may still want it, at a price that may have already grown too steep for some.

Maybe it’s because I see how many people among my peers are already separated with children. Maybe it’s because I see that a lot of marriages, especially the ones that couples got into for all the wrong reasons, are not the happy and fun partnerships they ought to be. Maybe because I see that being married to the wrong person is a fate much worse then waking up and eating breakfast by yourself.

It has become more difficult for people to make the decision to settle down nowadays. The longer you are single, the more ensconced you are in your own lifestyle. Have a confession to make. I've worked so hard to reach a happy single equilibrium that I now sort of, in a weird and ridiculous kind of way, dread the day when a man will come along from the heavens and tilt the balance and contentment I struggled to create. I will only accept a co-pilot if I get an overwhelming and comforting feeling that my prospective partner will be worth giving up my hard-earned singleness for…..We must agree at the minimum of where we are going and what route we are taking. A 38-year old woman by force of habit has become protective of her closet space and her personal space, in general. And you can’t blame her for that.

Let me go back to the original idea of not settling for less than who you think is the best partner for you. Maybe I have become too rigid, too picky and too narrow-minded in my wiser and baggage-filled years to allow me to take the plunge into that pool of marital bliss. But upon further introspection, I am comfortable with the notion that I haven’t become impossible to please. I have just come to know, accept and appreciate myself more. I am much clearer about what kind of person I want to share my life with and what I am/am not willing to compromise in this partnership that I hope will last into my golden years.

I have dated enough to have a good idea of what’s out there, but I haven't found someone who I felt was worth staying around for. And in marriage, one has to be black or white in picking. It's not fine china we’re choosing here folks, it's a lifetime partner. Unlike major department stores, there is no such thing as an even exchange. The refunds will cost you!

I only have one life and thus far, husband and kiddies notwithstanding, it’s been pretty damn good. I do have high standards. But I have high standards for everything in my life, with marriage just being one of them.

For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say, I am single and I am fine with it.

Tina Vitas
Makati City