IT’S ALL ABOUT ME VS. IT’S ONLY ABOUT THEM

With Filipina-Chinese blood in me, maybe some Malay, Indonesian, Aborigine (the original Filipino ancestors) and Spanish thrown in for good measure, that says I am by nature Eastern in design, co-existing with an American upbringing, that says I am by definition Western in expression, I struggle with “it’s all about me vs. it’s only about them” in Manila. A Filipina looking-woman with an arsenal of high-fallutin' Tagalog vocabulary plus a very American mentality and attitude towards life is not a normal combo in these neck of the woods.

I read a book by a Vietnamese Zen master and Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hahn a few years back called “Teachings on Love”. One of major premises of the book is that we must learn to love ourselves above all because we cannot really give to others what we ourselves do not have. Loving others begins with a healthy dose of self-love.

At first, I was a little confused by this because in my mind, putting myself first translated to arrogance, conceit and ego. But what he was really saying has nothing to do with self-worship but something as fundamental as “value yourself”.

The Philippines remains a very Catholic country to date which in and of itself is not bad. My problem is I see a lot self-denial, driven by Catholic guilt, around me. People who think their personal needs are last priority, behind everyone else’s – parents, spouses, kids, relatives, friends, bosses, colleagues and staffmembers. I can already hear the whispers inside their head that say: “As long as everyone else is happy, it doesn't matter if I'm miserable.” Eventually, feelings of resentment will start to surface. And the giving has now become a burden to everyone, not a blessing.

There is a saying which I love to tell my mom which is funnier in Tagalog but loosely translated goes something like: “Mama, martyrdom went out of style a long time ago.” And it did. No one gets any points nowadays for self-inflicted pain. The freedom to choose is ours, though not without personal consequences.

The United States, meanwhile, generally suffers the opposite syndrome. Taken to the very extreme, it's all about ME, ME, ME! I always come first, my personal happiness is paramount, even at the cost of alienating everyone, including my loved ones. It’s too much trouble to go out of my way to make people around me happy.

The truth of the matter is either extreme is not healthy for us or the people around us. The easiest person to take care of is you, just because you're with yourself 24 hours a day whether you like it or not. In that respect, I completely agree with the book “Teachings on Love”.

That is not to say that we aren’t going to be called to make certain compromises and sacrifices to honor our commitments. We can do that successfully only if we have already clearly defined with confidence that the love we are giving to others emanates from our self-love. Therefore, it is not really taking anything away from us.

No one is to blame for the sometimes costly mistakes I've collected in my life. Have a lot of battle scars to prove it. But I have always been responsible for my own mess. I am not someone who says, I did it for you and look where it got me?

I’d like to end this blog with a quote from American actress Tallulah Bankhead shared to me by my friend, Pablo Conill, since the quote reminded him of me when he read it.

“IF I HAD TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, I’D MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, ONLY SOONER.”

Tina Vitas
Makati City